October 23, 2009
A Little Business To Attend To
Update: 10/30/09: Lynda has the October edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse up at her blog, In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law. She's done a wonderful job of organizing the entries. We were able to get several that were in the child abuse prevention and advocacy category; under that theme. Please go over and support these brave bloggers, won't you? I appreciate the survivor solidarity!
****
Starting Sunday night, I'm going to spend six days away from my noisy, always-begging-for-some-form-of-attention, house. I'm going to rest, process and write, as well as comfort and pamper myself a little bit.
Don't worry, I'll still be on top of things for next week's October edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. This month's host is Lynda at In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law. Now, you don't have to know anything about child advocacy law to enter this carnival. We will still have our regular submission categories of: Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. In addition, Lynda has set a theme of advocacy (perfect fit, right?) for this edition. To be exact, Lynda says, "The theme is: Beginner's Guide to Saving a Child. We are seeking submissions on volunteer opportunities, ways to help work to end child abuse and organizations that focus their efforts on this important work." I've already submitted my post called, Take A Stand, Raise Your Hand. I'm actually getting my own post in before the day of the deadline for a change. Yay!
Speaking of which, the deadline is Wednesday, October 28th for the Friday 10/30 edition. (That's midnight Eastern time in the U.S.). You can submit your own post using this form here. Please make sure to tell your friends and get your own posts in while I'm gone, okay? Thanks, everyone, for your continued support and contributions to this carnival. Together, we can make a difference and raise awareness about child abuse!
****
Starting Sunday night, I'm going to spend six days away from my noisy, always-begging-for-some-form-of-attention, house. I'm going to rest, process and write, as well as comfort and pamper myself a little bit.
Don't worry, I'll still be on top of things for next week's October edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. This month's host is Lynda at In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law. Now, you don't have to know anything about child advocacy law to enter this carnival. We will still have our regular submission categories of: Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. In addition, Lynda has set a theme of advocacy (perfect fit, right?) for this edition. To be exact, Lynda says, "The theme is: Beginner's Guide to Saving a Child. We are seeking submissions on volunteer opportunities, ways to help work to end child abuse and organizations that focus their efforts on this important work." I've already submitted my post called, Take A Stand, Raise Your Hand. I'm actually getting my own post in before the day of the deadline for a change. Yay!
Speaking of which, the deadline is Wednesday, October 28th for the Friday 10/30 edition. (That's midnight Eastern time in the U.S.). You can submit your own post using this form here. Please make sure to tell your friends and get your own posts in while I'm gone, okay? Thanks, everyone, for your continued support and contributions to this carnival. Together, we can make a difference and raise awareness about child abuse!
Labels: advocacy, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, breaking the cycle, community, Poetry, survivors, The Show of Hands art project
October 15, 2009
Frozen in Mid-Step; What Now?
I Don't Know Who I Am by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
So, I'm feeling frustrated, disappointed and overwhelmed in the therapy department. The healing journey is, once again, feeling like an attempt to reach the Mt. Everest summit. Right now, I feel like I've hit a raging blizzard and I'm clawing the jagged rocks, trying not to slip back down, negating a thousand feet of hard-won ascent progress. To be honest, I feel like I need to set up camp and hunker down in my tent while I wait for the storm to pass.
Unfortunately, recovery from a trauma-induced dissociative disorder doesn't work that way. When the storm hits is when I have to muster up the strength and courage to work even harder and keep on climbing, even if it feels like I'm barely putting one foot in front of the other and I can't see where I'm going.
What prompted this, you ask? Well, I've been talking to my twin sister a lot lately about the progress she made at the WIIT program --The Women's Institute For Incorporation Therapy--in Florida. It's a one-of-a-kind treatment facility that practices incorporation therapy for dissociative trauma survivors. The more I talked with her, the more I wanted to try to attend this program myself. I feel like it could help me progress light years faster than the progress I'm making in individual therapy right now.
Let me give you some background detail that may explain why I got so excited about this idea. You see, I've been working a lot lately with parts that I used to call the "punisher parts" in the beginning. In the last year, it's really become apparent to me that these self-harming parts work overtime to maintain the abuse secret.
Here's the scenario I often get, but have just become aware of and started to understand: A young part starts to feel some feelings (not allowed!) of sadness, abandonment, fear, etc. Then a part I like to call a "firefighter" type comes out and jumps through all kinds of crazy hoops trying to shut off/down the feelings. This could include running away in dissociative fugues, getting suicidal, getting drunk, over-spending, etc. etc. Then, one of these protector (punisher) parts comes out and says, "You're getting out of hand. You're drawing too much attention to yourself. You are acting crazy. You're going to blow it. People will find out the secret." So then there's usually some self-injury type behavior. The problem with this is that it brings about huge feelings of shame and guilt, which threatens to start the whole feelings--avoiding feelings spiral all over again. So, I have a part named Serena who takes over and shuts the whole body down. I don't move, I don't talk, I don't do anything.
I'm trying to break this cycle of dissociative dysfunction. I have found--yeah, my therapist was right--that most of these self-destructive parts are really trying to be protective. They think that, if the secret gets out, I am going to be killed. I have found (as scary as they are, at first, to approach) that they are often quite cooperative once we get a dialogue going, get a contract not to self-harm "signed," and then I find them some more appropriate job to do that makes them still feel useful. I have a part named Sentry, for example, who does NOT get to be inappropriate and in people's faces anymore, but he gets the job of always being alert and aware of my surroundings whenever I'm getting out of my car and it's dark outside.
Sounds great, right? Well the difficulty I'm having now is that I've got a few of these protector (punisher) parts "standing down" with contracts and/or new jobs and now all hell is breaking loose with lots of previously-exiled little parts wanting to tell me their part of the story. They're all clamoring to be heard. They have sadness, fear, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, etc. issues to express and abuse memories they have been holding and are now ready to hand off to me. I told my therapist I feel like there's a long line of them stretched out in the dark, waiting to come into the light and be healed. This is great healing/therapy news and sign of progress. But, you can only imagine how overwhelming it is. It's gotten so bad that I'm back to a lot of PTSD symptoms like huge startle response and triggers that are sending me into full-blown flashbacks again. These are symptoms that I've had under control for a few years. So, you can understand why I fear I'm already starting to backslide.
I really thought that the WIIT program would be a great place to process all this in some kind of timely manner with lots of support and without the distractions of my special needs son, my husband, house cleaning, cooking, blah blah blah, etc. Well, I finally got hold of a real, live person at WIIT on the phone yesterday. I was hoping, since I am private pay (no mental health coverage for this pre-existing condition; we pay cash), I would be able to customize my own treatment plan there. Nope. This intake person I talked to wasn't budging. She told me that out-of-state patients are required to spend a minimum of one week inpatient at this facility and then two weeks of intensive outpatient. The alternative is to stay two whole weeks inpatient. She quoted me a price for this that was a small fortune. It was enough to pay for a new car, as a matter of fact!
So, the long and the short of it is that I'm not going. Crap! I might try to stay in a hotel for several days and see my therapist for several hours for a week and see how much we're able to accomplish that way. I don't know. I'll keep you all posted. Pray for a miracle??
Labels: dissociation, journey, overwhelm, parts, PTSD, self-injury, therapy, trauma, triggers
October 02, 2009
You Are Beautiful. Yes You!
If you couldn't tell, I'm really enjoying my experience and the community over at Polyvore. I discover new things there all the time (at least when my computer is cooperating). The other day I stumbled onto something that reminded me that I--we all--need this reminder: We are beautiful! I think it is so easy for survivors to think that they are ugly. Especially if we are in therapy or doing memory work, we have to stare ugly in the face. But, we are beautiful. Let's remember that.
I'm posting this collage, aka "set" of Chloe's, which is the reminder for me that started it all. Turns out, she was inspired by a campaign called Operation Beautiful. Through this campaign, people are leaving reminders--posty notes--all over the world to spread the "you are beautiful" love. Cool, huh? You can go to the Operation Beautiful website and get instructions on how to get involved and find out how to have your own posted note...er posted! ;)
And as a final reminder of your beauty, I will leave a copy of my poem, "Your Beauty" below for your reading enjoyment. Have a beautiful day!
Your Beauty
I'm posting this collage, aka "set" of Chloe's, which is the reminder for me that started it all. Turns out, she was inspired by a campaign called Operation Beautiful. Through this campaign, people are leaving reminders--posty notes--all over the world to spread the "you are beautiful" love. Cool, huh? You can go to the Operation Beautiful website and get instructions on how to get involved and find out how to have your own posted note...er posted! ;)
And as a final reminder of your beauty, I will leave a copy of my poem, "Your Beauty" below for your reading enjoyment. Have a beautiful day!
Your Beauty
I see the beauty you can’t see
You’re unaware of what it does for me
It’s the light shining in your eyes
Lifting me up to brighter skies
Still you walk around
And you hang your head
Sometimes wishing
You were dead
But if you could see
What I see in you
There’d be nothing, love,
That you could not do.
Labels: awareness, beauty, community, healing, inspiration, poem, Poetry, self-esteem, therapy
September 23, 2009
Can You Fathom A Family?
Update: This post was written as a submission to this month's Family-Themed Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. It is up now over at Paul's blog, Mind Parts. If you haven't already visited, please do. And won't you please leave supportive comments for these brave bloggers participating? Thanks!
***
Whenever I speak of my "family" of origin, that's what I do: I put the word family in quotation marks. I don't consider myself as a person who had a family growing up.
Whenever there was some strife or "upset" at a holiday gathering or the "family" dinner table (which inevitably there almost always was), my mother liked to lament, "Can't we just be a family?" So surprised you have the nerve to even ask that question, dear old mom. But it's a good one. I don't know. Can we be a family? What makes for a family anyway?
What Is a Family? by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
Let's see. Do you make a family by getting Grandma to buy frilly, fancy clothes for your children and then parading them around to the homes of relatives to sit still and proper, with their mouths shut and their hands folded in their laps? Hhmmmm...I think that's called "keeping up appearances." No, that doesn't quite seem to be enough to cut it to me.
Maybe you make a strong family by neglecting to get proper medical treatment for your children when they are deathly ill or have been severely injured. Nope. Don't think that's it, either. How 'bout calling your child "bad, dirty and evil" after you allow their father to have sex with them? Nah! Don't think so. Prostituting your daughters out to other men? That definitely doesn't work. I know! Claiming a child as a dependent on your taxes after they've been working to earn their own money since they were 11 years old and completely on their own (so they can't file their own income tax)! No, that doesn't define a family either.
Do I sound angry? I hope so! You may have noticed--if you've been reading my blog for a while--that I was able to sneak in a new detail there that is quite heinous. It's something I've been working my butt off on in therapy lately. I'm quite motivated to resolve this hideous, new area of retrieved memories so that maybe, some day, I can relax during the fall months and not freak out in dissociative dysfunction every year. Yeah, I deserve to feel my feelings of anger. I never deserved to be treated this way as a helpless, innocent child.
Do I sound sad? Probably so. I am doing a lot of necessary grieving. I certainly grieve over the childhood and the family I never had.
But, I am also happy and rather proud that I have the chance--and I am taking it--to break the multi-generational cycle of abuse. I can end the legacy I was born into. I've been able to create my own family with my husband and my beloved son.
I am not like my own parents who, at best, saw children as a bother and a burden. I can remember it like it was, literally, yesterday: The day I brought my tiny bundle of joy home from the hospital was one of the happiest days of my life. I don't remember being any more elated on any day before or since that time. It was a time of pure joy that I was able to claim because of my commitment to break the cycle of child abuse.
Has it been easy--trying to fathom a family and forming one--with no positive role models of my own to follow? No, it hasn't been easy. I would be lying to you if I said it was. All three of the members of this family are in therapy. I don't think there's any other way, when the person in the mother role has a severe dissociative disorder.
But, we are facing our issues and challenges, not just keeping up appearances. We love each other and we strive every day to show it and to keep our family communication open. My son will be 13 on his next birthday. But, he still asks me for hugs. The insightful bugger even said to me, just the other day: "You've made great progress on your disability. I'm proud of you, Mom." My heart swells. Yes, we are a family. I get to say that because of the commitment I made even before my child was conceived. We get to claim that because of the love we share, the words we use, and the action we take to be a family.
***
Whenever I speak of my "family" of origin, that's what I do: I put the word family in quotation marks. I don't consider myself as a person who had a family growing up.
Whenever there was some strife or "upset" at a holiday gathering or the "family" dinner table (which inevitably there almost always was), my mother liked to lament, "Can't we just be a family?" So surprised you have the nerve to even ask that question, dear old mom. But it's a good one. I don't know. Can we be a family? What makes for a family anyway?
What Is a Family? by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
Let's see. Do you make a family by getting Grandma to buy frilly, fancy clothes for your children and then parading them around to the homes of relatives to sit still and proper, with their mouths shut and their hands folded in their laps? Hhmmmm...I think that's called "keeping up appearances." No, that doesn't quite seem to be enough to cut it to me.
Maybe you make a strong family by neglecting to get proper medical treatment for your children when they are deathly ill or have been severely injured. Nope. Don't think that's it, either. How 'bout calling your child "bad, dirty and evil" after you allow their father to have sex with them? Nah! Don't think so. Prostituting your daughters out to other men? That definitely doesn't work. I know! Claiming a child as a dependent on your taxes after they've been working to earn their own money since they were 11 years old and completely on their own (so they can't file their own income tax)! No, that doesn't define a family either.
Do I sound angry? I hope so! You may have noticed--if you've been reading my blog for a while--that I was able to sneak in a new detail there that is quite heinous. It's something I've been working my butt off on in therapy lately. I'm quite motivated to resolve this hideous, new area of retrieved memories so that maybe, some day, I can relax during the fall months and not freak out in dissociative dysfunction every year. Yeah, I deserve to feel my feelings of anger. I never deserved to be treated this way as a helpless, innocent child.
Do I sound sad? Probably so. I am doing a lot of necessary grieving. I certainly grieve over the childhood and the family I never had.
But, I am also happy and rather proud that I have the chance--and I am taking it--to break the multi-generational cycle of abuse. I can end the legacy I was born into. I've been able to create my own family with my husband and my beloved son.
I am not like my own parents who, at best, saw children as a bother and a burden. I can remember it like it was, literally, yesterday: The day I brought my tiny bundle of joy home from the hospital was one of the happiest days of my life. I don't remember being any more elated on any day before or since that time. It was a time of pure joy that I was able to claim because of my commitment to break the cycle of child abuse.
Has it been easy--trying to fathom a family and forming one--with no positive role models of my own to follow? No, it hasn't been easy. I would be lying to you if I said it was. All three of the members of this family are in therapy. I don't think there's any other way, when the person in the mother role has a severe dissociative disorder.
But, we are facing our issues and challenges, not just keeping up appearances. We love each other and we strive every day to show it and to keep our family communication open. My son will be 13 on his next birthday. But, he still asks me for hugs. The insightful bugger even said to me, just the other day: "You've made great progress on your disability. I'm proud of you, Mom." My heart swells. Yes, we are a family. I get to say that because of the commitment I made even before my child was conceived. We get to claim that because of the love we share, the words we use, and the action we take to be a family.
Labels: aftermath, anger, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, breaking the cycle, child abuse, dissociation, family of origin, grieving, memory work, therapy
September 17, 2009
Emotional & Technical Difficulties: Please Stand By
My computer is giving me fits again. Firefox is not working on it. I've got Internet Explorer working intermittently, but it...is...so...s-l-o-w! I've tried to just go down my links list and visit everybody, in case I can't do that for a while.
I'm really bummed about Polyvore, as that has been one of my life lines lately. With my slow connection, I haven't done as much over there for a while. The other day, I was trying to build a collage and parts of the page (the ones with the necessary buttons, for crying out loud) kept disappearing. Aarrgghhh!
I'm also reeling from this Fall Memory Maze I'm trying to navigate. The other day, I woke up so afraid, I couldn't get out of bed. It was so bad, I couldn't get any comfort going at all. It was all I could do to jump out quickly and grab the phone to call my husband. I asked him to come home and stay with me a while. The wonderful angel did! He brought me tea and sat on the edge of the bed for a while. I think I had a brief glimpse of what agoraphobics must go through. I told my husband, "I know it doesn't make any sense, but I feel like there are mean people out there (outside) who want to hurt me." He stayed with me while. I finally got dressed and my hubby stood there while I watered a few flowers. The fear eventually died down.
Barbed by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
This collage represents how I've been feeling often lately. Scattered, afraid...on the verge of becoming unraveled and completely hysterical. I'm doing extra therapy this week. I think I'm very close to something new and really big in the Autumn Memory Department.
Don't forget, everybody: The next Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse will be over at Paul's blog, Mind Parts. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, September 23rd. He's only got a handful of submissions so far, so let's get those in! Here's the submission form. Would you please go around to blogs and remind each other? I may not be able to do it as I'd like with my computer woes. Thanks!
I'm really bummed about Polyvore, as that has been one of my life lines lately. With my slow connection, I haven't done as much over there for a while. The other day, I was trying to build a collage and parts of the page (the ones with the necessary buttons, for crying out loud) kept disappearing. Aarrgghhh!
I'm also reeling from this Fall Memory Maze I'm trying to navigate. The other day, I woke up so afraid, I couldn't get out of bed. It was so bad, I couldn't get any comfort going at all. It was all I could do to jump out quickly and grab the phone to call my husband. I asked him to come home and stay with me a while. The wonderful angel did! He brought me tea and sat on the edge of the bed for a while. I think I had a brief glimpse of what agoraphobics must go through. I told my husband, "I know it doesn't make any sense, but I feel like there are mean people out there (outside) who want to hurt me." He stayed with me while. I finally got dressed and my hubby stood there while I watered a few flowers. The fear eventually died down.
Barbed by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
This collage represents how I've been feeling often lately. Scattered, afraid...on the verge of becoming unraveled and completely hysterical. I'm doing extra therapy this week. I think I'm very close to something new and really big in the Autumn Memory Department.
Don't forget, everybody: The next Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse will be over at Paul's blog, Mind Parts. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, September 23rd. He's only got a handful of submissions so far, so let's get those in! Here's the submission form. Would you please go around to blogs and remind each other? I may not be able to do it as I'd like with my computer woes. Thanks!
Labels: aftermath, alters, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, broken, collage, feelings, freeze response, memory work, therapy
September 04, 2009
My Life Lines: A Pencil & A Rake
Therapy and feelings work have been intense, but I've also had some productivity in other areas lately. Although I'm coming to terms with the fact that my huge backyard landscaping project will go to the three-year production plan, I'm happy with the results. My backyard is truly turning into a sanctuary--and I need one of those! One of these days I'll get some photos up. I even have some "before-and-after" photos I can share if I can figure out how to post them here.
For now, I'll leave you with some pix from Polyvore. I've been very active over there making collages, and I even know how to embed their code to make the collage show up here. Hooray for little ol' cyber klutz me! ;)
I just mentioned to my hubby this morning that I really hope that this will be one of the last years in my life that I have to deal with so much anguish in the late summer and fall months. Hell, for the last several years, the m.o. has been: Get really triggered and freaked out in August (with firefighter parts coming out, wreaking havoc, getting suicidal and running away); try to cope and do mega therapy in September and October (stay out of the hospital and squeeze in some time with hubby for his October birthday); then brace myself after that for the onslaught of the dreaded holidays.
It would be really nice not to have almost half of my life on hold during these difficult months. For one thing, this is harvest time. I like to harvest and dry my herbs and then cook up big pots of soup and ratatouille to freeze for the winter. I also have loads of work to finish up in the backyard project before the gardening season is over. Then there are the fall colors of Autumn I love so much. So, this would be a nice time of year to be present for and enjoy.
Another thing I'd like to have some assurance for is my botanical illustration courses. I've only got two classes under my belt so far. I took them in the spring. But, I'm hoping I'll be able to commit to getting my certificate in botanical illustration before too long. The classes are expensive, though, and I want to make sure that I can make it to them--not miss any for any freak-out reasons. So, I'm hesitating taking some that are in the fall catalog. Oh well. We'll see.
One thing we do have set up already--Yay us!--is the next two hosts for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. September will be hosted by Paul at Mind Parts and October will be taken care of by Lynda at Child Advocacy Law. So, we'll have some continuity there.
I'll leave this post up for a little bit. My computer is giving me fits again. I'll try to get around to your blogs and comment, at least, though.
Dream Job: Botanical Illustrator by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
The Healing Garden by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
For now, I'll leave you with some pix from Polyvore. I've been very active over there making collages, and I even know how to embed their code to make the collage show up here. Hooray for little ol' cyber klutz me! ;)
I just mentioned to my hubby this morning that I really hope that this will be one of the last years in my life that I have to deal with so much anguish in the late summer and fall months. Hell, for the last several years, the m.o. has been: Get really triggered and freaked out in August (with firefighter parts coming out, wreaking havoc, getting suicidal and running away); try to cope and do mega therapy in September and October (stay out of the hospital and squeeze in some time with hubby for his October birthday); then brace myself after that for the onslaught of the dreaded holidays.
It would be really nice not to have almost half of my life on hold during these difficult months. For one thing, this is harvest time. I like to harvest and dry my herbs and then cook up big pots of soup and ratatouille to freeze for the winter. I also have loads of work to finish up in the backyard project before the gardening season is over. Then there are the fall colors of Autumn I love so much. So, this would be a nice time of year to be present for and enjoy.
Another thing I'd like to have some assurance for is my botanical illustration courses. I've only got two classes under my belt so far. I took them in the spring. But, I'm hoping I'll be able to commit to getting my certificate in botanical illustration before too long. The classes are expensive, though, and I want to make sure that I can make it to them--not miss any for any freak-out reasons. So, I'm hesitating taking some that are in the fall catalog. Oh well. We'll see.
One thing we do have set up already--Yay us!--is the next two hosts for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. September will be hosted by Paul at Mind Parts and October will be taken care of by Lynda at Child Advocacy Law. So, we'll have some continuity there.
I'll leave this post up for a little bit. My computer is giving me fits again. I'll try to get around to your blogs and comment, at least, though.
Dream Job: Botanical Illustrator by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
The Healing Garden by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
Labels: aftermath, alters, anniversary, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, collage, holidays, landscaping, therapy
August 25, 2009
Beauty for the Dark Journey
As I said in my "August Angst" post below, my plans with my therapist were to deal with the back-to-school trauma memories head on. I've been successful at doing this and have been able to avoid any really big firefighter dissociative episodes, hospital stays or running away in dissociative fugues. But, it has been a dark, ugly journey into the painful abyss.
Some of my pampering and comforting rituals have not been working lately. I had to cancel a massage appointment last week because I just couldn't bare the thoughts of anybody touching me.
What has worked, however, is I've been clinging to beauty. Visits to the Denver Botanic Garden, growing things in my own garden, sitting in my backyard sanctuary and listening to a soothing CD called "Peaceful Garden" have all helped when the emotions that have surfaced from memory processing have left me ragged and raw.
I've also been quite productive over at Polyvore with art therapy collages. Here's the one that prompted this update post.
Beauty For The Dark Journey by Marj aka Thriver on
When I couldn't muster up the courage to visit my massage therapist last week, I decided to go "inside" and see what the fear was about and who was upset. I made the "mistake" of saying, "If I don't know who you are and where you are, I can't come and rescue you and help you feel better..." something like that. I immediately heard this little voice in my head cry out, "But, I don't know where I am!" Oh, Lordy!
I was in a panic as to how I would do my little visualization rescue technique with my therapist the next day, if I didn't have a firm "place" to go and rescue this little inner child part of myself. It's been fairly easy up to now as I just visualize returning to the house I lived in for the first 10 years of my life. But, recently, I've been retrieving ghastly memories of abuse that took place away from the "home."
I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I calmed every body down as best as I could and tried to reason that my therapy session was just a day away and I could wait. In the meantime, art therapy at Polyvore came through for me again. I created this collage as a visual representation of my commitment to find this little lost part.
I Will Find You by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
As it turned out, the horrifying memory I'd been dreading was of abuse that took place at the school where my father taught for years. I was in the shower area of a locker room with no windows. It was very dark in there and that's why this part wasn't sure, at first, where she was.
I won't go into the gory details, but I believe there were some drugs involved in my abuse at this time. When I awoke in the dark, I was disoriented and thought for a moment that maybe I was dead. When I realized that I wasn't--I was very much alive--I was devastated. Maybe this was the first time in my life that I became suicidal, I don't know. But, what I do know is that my parents did, indeed, thoroughly break me. I hadn't been able to admit this to myself up to this point. I had thought I was stronger than that.
This realization is devastating for me. But, again, it opens up the channels of grief. And feeling the feelings is, as always, the key to my healing. So, I'm doing a lot of that. And, at the same time, I'm clinging to any comfort and beauty I can find. Right now, as a matter of fact, I'm listening to a track on my "Peaceful Garden" CD called "Tranquility." I have to have some beauty and tranquility to hold on to as I face my brokenness.
Some of my pampering and comforting rituals have not been working lately. I had to cancel a massage appointment last week because I just couldn't bare the thoughts of anybody touching me.
What has worked, however, is I've been clinging to beauty. Visits to the Denver Botanic Garden, growing things in my own garden, sitting in my backyard sanctuary and listening to a soothing CD called "Peaceful Garden" have all helped when the emotions that have surfaced from memory processing have left me ragged and raw.
I've also been quite productive over at Polyvore with art therapy collages. Here's the one that prompted this update post.
Beauty For The Dark Journey by Marj aka Thriver on
When I couldn't muster up the courage to visit my massage therapist last week, I decided to go "inside" and see what the fear was about and who was upset. I made the "mistake" of saying, "If I don't know who you are and where you are, I can't come and rescue you and help you feel better..." something like that. I immediately heard this little voice in my head cry out, "But, I don't know where I am!" Oh, Lordy!
I was in a panic as to how I would do my little visualization rescue technique with my therapist the next day, if I didn't have a firm "place" to go and rescue this little inner child part of myself. It's been fairly easy up to now as I just visualize returning to the house I lived in for the first 10 years of my life. But, recently, I've been retrieving ghastly memories of abuse that took place away from the "home."
I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I calmed every body down as best as I could and tried to reason that my therapy session was just a day away and I could wait. In the meantime, art therapy at Polyvore came through for me again. I created this collage as a visual representation of my commitment to find this little lost part.
I Will Find You by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com
As it turned out, the horrifying memory I'd been dreading was of abuse that took place at the school where my father taught for years. I was in the shower area of a locker room with no windows. It was very dark in there and that's why this part wasn't sure, at first, where she was.
I won't go into the gory details, but I believe there were some drugs involved in my abuse at this time. When I awoke in the dark, I was disoriented and thought for a moment that maybe I was dead. When I realized that I wasn't--I was very much alive--I was devastated. Maybe this was the first time in my life that I became suicidal, I don't know. But, what I do know is that my parents did, indeed, thoroughly break me. I hadn't been able to admit this to myself up to this point. I had thought I was stronger than that.
This realization is devastating for me. But, again, it opens up the channels of grief. And feeling the feelings is, as always, the key to my healing. So, I'm doing a lot of that. And, at the same time, I'm clinging to any comfort and beauty I can find. Right now, as a matter of fact, I'm listening to a track on my "Peaceful Garden" CD called "Tranquility." I have to have some beauty and tranquility to hold on to as I face my brokenness.
Labels: aftermath, beauty, broken, child abuse, comfort, denial, dissociation, feelings, grieving, memory work, therapy
August 14, 2009
Back-to-School Blog Carnival
Friday Update: Enola has done a great job; the carnival edition is up. Please visit the linked posts and leave supportive comments, won't you? Thanks for supporting our carnival.
Our dear friend, Enola has graciously agreed to host The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for the second time. Yay, Enola! She has decided on a back-to-school theme, as it seems I'm not the only one who struggles during this summer-into-fall transition time. Of course, you are not limited to the theme of this month's carnival. You can always submit under our regular categories of: Survivor Stories, Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy and Poetry. But, I like the way Enola explains this theme and also explains, in general, what a blog carnival is and what ours is about. That's outlined nicely in her announcement post here.
Submissions are due to Enola by midnight (that's in the US) Tuesday, August 18 (hey, that's the day my son goes back to school!) and we'll have the edition post on Friday, August 21. You can use this handy-dandy submission form. Join us, won't you?
Our dear friend, Enola has graciously agreed to host The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for the second time. Yay, Enola! She has decided on a back-to-school theme, as it seems I'm not the only one who struggles during this summer-into-fall transition time. Of course, you are not limited to the theme of this month's carnival. You can always submit under our regular categories of: Survivor Stories, Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy and Poetry. But, I like the way Enola explains this theme and also explains, in general, what a blog carnival is and what ours is about. That's outlined nicely in her announcement post here.
Submissions are due to Enola by midnight (that's in the US) Tuesday, August 18 (hey, that's the day my son goes back to school!) and we'll have the edition post on Friday, August 21. You can use this handy-dandy submission form. Join us, won't you?
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, blog carnivals, Poetry, therapy
August 03, 2009
August Angst
Well, there it is: It is now August. 
Just saying that to myself fills me with a sense of impending doom.
Last August was a dissociative nightmare. You can read about the "dissociative detour" in this old post here.
I used to think only the official Autumn season was routinely filled with trauma terror. But, the last couple of years I've been noticing that it often starts in August, around the time we start thinking of the kids getting back to school. I saw a "Back to School" promotional banner up the other day and I just got a sinking feeling of dread.
This year, I've got to do something different. My "firefighter" and "manager" parts have already tried all kinds of far-out avoidance tactics to no avail. Let's see, I went down to the Ross trauma program in Dallas coming on three years ago. I've run away to Arizona and the wilds of the national forest in dissociative fugues. I've tried the end-of-summer family vacation and Autumn solo getaways. And, of course, there were more suicidal stays in the hospital than I'd care to mention.
I don't want to repeat any of those this year, thank you very much. I've been talking to my therapist about it on and off for weeks already. I want to be more proactive about it this year.
What we decided at my T appointment last Thursday is that I may just have to face a real whopper of a memory head on. There's probably something about my father being a teacher and the end of the summer that prompted some really bad abuse and, therefore, the dreaded memory I've been trying to avoid seemingly at all costs.
But, something happened when I faced the ultimate betrayal of remembering that my mother knew (and did nothing) about my father almost killing me. I felt the excruciating pain of it...and I didn't die or go crazy.
Maybe I can do the same with this back-to-school memory. I'm sure (duh) that it's something really bad. But, maybe I can just realize that this terrible thing really did happen to me and the hurt of it really sucks. Maybe I can finally allow the little traumatized child inside me to feel the feelings of it. Maybe I can somehow cradle that inner child of mine in my arms and let her cry. Then, of course, I can continue to really take care of myself, comfort myself and pamper myself while I grieve. That's what I've been doing lately and it's been working very well for me.
And with my son back in school, I'll have even more private time for self-care. So, I'm telling myself this will work. I can do this. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. Send out some courage and strength vibes for me, won't you? Thanks!
One thing I'm not sure I'm going to do is the August edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. If there's anybody out there who is just itching to host an August edition, please let me know. If not, I may just let it slide for a month.
Just saying that to myself fills me with a sense of impending doom.
Last August was a dissociative nightmare. You can read about the "dissociative detour" in this old post here.
I used to think only the official Autumn season was routinely filled with trauma terror. But, the last couple of years I've been noticing that it often starts in August, around the time we start thinking of the kids getting back to school. I saw a "Back to School" promotional banner up the other day and I just got a sinking feeling of dread.
This year, I've got to do something different. My "firefighter" and "manager" parts have already tried all kinds of far-out avoidance tactics to no avail. Let's see, I went down to the Ross trauma program in Dallas coming on three years ago. I've run away to Arizona and the wilds of the national forest in dissociative fugues. I've tried the end-of-summer family vacation and Autumn solo getaways. And, of course, there were more suicidal stays in the hospital than I'd care to mention.
I don't want to repeat any of those this year, thank you very much. I've been talking to my therapist about it on and off for weeks already. I want to be more proactive about it this year.
What we decided at my T appointment last Thursday is that I may just have to face a real whopper of a memory head on. There's probably something about my father being a teacher and the end of the summer that prompted some really bad abuse and, therefore, the dreaded memory I've been trying to avoid seemingly at all costs.
But, something happened when I faced the ultimate betrayal of remembering that my mother knew (and did nothing) about my father almost killing me. I felt the excruciating pain of it...and I didn't die or go crazy.
Maybe I can do the same with this back-to-school memory. I'm sure (duh) that it's something really bad. But, maybe I can just realize that this terrible thing really did happen to me and the hurt of it really sucks. Maybe I can finally allow the little traumatized child inside me to feel the feelings of it. Maybe I can somehow cradle that inner child of mine in my arms and let her cry. Then, of course, I can continue to really take care of myself, comfort myself and pamper myself while I grieve. That's what I've been doing lately and it's been working very well for me.
And with my son back in school, I'll have even more private time for self-care. So, I'm telling myself this will work. I can do this. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. Send out some courage and strength vibes for me, won't you? Thanks!
One thing I'm not sure I'm going to do is the August edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. If there's anybody out there who is just itching to host an August edition, please let me know. If not, I may just let it slide for a month.
Labels: aftermath, anniversary, betrayal, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, comfort, denial, dissociation, feelings, grieving, inner child, memory work, therapy, triggers
July 27, 2009
Licking My Wounds & Art Therapy
I've spent the last several days "licking my wounds." Although the pain of my mother's betrayal feels like having my skin ripped off, I've taken the time to really indulge in some self-care lately. I have also just taken the time out to grieve. Although there has been a lot of pain and a lot of tears, I have also had some rare moments of unique peace.
Thank you all for your kind comments. There were some things written in the comment section of my last post that I hadn't really realized before. Seeing those sentiments in black and white was very helpful to me. I appreciate you all so much. Our Survivor Solidarity is awesome!
Another thing I'm finding helpful is my art therapy through collage over at Polyvore. Let me share a couple of recent compilations.
This piece is called "Return to Wonder." I wish we--as child abuse survivors--could all go back and NOT know what we shouldn't have known as young children...return to innocence and wonder.
This piece reminds me that maybe--just a little at least--I'm coming out of the dark and into the green, the growing...the light. Also, that maybe I can grow something out of all the dark, black dirt that I have. I wish you all much rest, peace and blessings on your own journeys of recovery, healing, dirt-digging, reaching for the light, and growing beautiful things out of the muck.
Thank you all for your kind comments. There were some things written in the comment section of my last post that I hadn't really realized before. Seeing those sentiments in black and white was very helpful to me. I appreciate you all so much. Our Survivor Solidarity is awesome!
Another thing I'm finding helpful is my art therapy through collage over at Polyvore. Let me share a couple of recent compilations.
This piece is called "Return to Wonder." I wish we--as child abuse survivors--could all go back and NOT know what we shouldn't have known as young children...return to innocence and wonder.
This piece reminds me that maybe--just a little at least--I'm coming out of the dark and into the green, the growing...the light. Also, that maybe I can grow something out of all the dark, black dirt that I have. I wish you all much rest, peace and blessings on your own journeys of recovery, healing, dirt-digging, reaching for the light, and growing beautiful things out of the muck.
Labels: appreciation, beauty, collage, comfort, community, grieving, healing, recovery, self-care, support, survivor art
July 21, 2009
A Systematic Breaking of The Spirit
I am really struggling right now. I'm trying to process a new memory that I retrieved recently. It involves so many of my parts that it is taking more time and some extra therapy.
**Trigger Warning**
I'm going through the "Realization Stage"--Yeah, I get it. This happened to me. And it really felt that bad.--on several counts. One is that it was very systematic, my parents' way of breaking my spirit. And, although I was not abused by members of a cult, my parents did utilize some brain washing, mind control-type techniques.
The memory I retrieved recently was something they forced me to say: "Nobody cares about me." and "Nobody cares what happens to me."
This comes on the heals of a memory that I've been working on--on and off--for literally years. My father, on many occasions, tried to drown me in the bathtub. Sometimes it was a joke of his. Sometimes it was a life-or-death struggle to survive. It didn't think my mother knew about these near-death torture situations. But, she did.
For so long, it's been hard enough to break through my denial and accept the realization that she was aware of all the sexual abuse my father forced on me. I figured she was okay with sexual acts that she did not want to be obligated to perform herself. But, now I have to face the fact that this monster man who was my father could have done anything to me. He could have killed me. He could have done anything his twisted mind could think up and my mother would do nothing to step in and protect me.
This is so final. So infinite. Nobody cares what happens to me. Nobody cares...no matter what.
The worst part is how much I still believe it. This is such a core belief.
It is seared to my soul.
I don't know what it is going to take to undo it. I don't know if it is possible to erase it. My logical mind knows that people now care about me. But, this was ingrained into my very being. My gut, my heart, my soul are taking a lot longer to reprogram the message.
I'm doing my best to comfort parts right now. But many of them are just about inconsolable. The anguish is huge. If I don't get around to some blogs for a while, please forgive me. I am just in the depths of grief right now.
**Trigger Warning**
I'm going through the "Realization Stage"--Yeah, I get it. This happened to me. And it really felt that bad.--on several counts. One is that it was very systematic, my parents' way of breaking my spirit. And, although I was not abused by members of a cult, my parents did utilize some brain washing, mind control-type techniques.
The memory I retrieved recently was something they forced me to say: "Nobody cares about me." and "Nobody cares what happens to me."
This comes on the heals of a memory that I've been working on--on and off--for literally years. My father, on many occasions, tried to drown me in the bathtub. Sometimes it was a joke of his. Sometimes it was a life-or-death struggle to survive. It didn't think my mother knew about these near-death torture situations. But, she did.
For so long, it's been hard enough to break through my denial and accept the realization that she was aware of all the sexual abuse my father forced on me. I figured she was okay with sexual acts that she did not want to be obligated to perform herself. But, now I have to face the fact that this monster man who was my father could have done anything to me. He could have killed me. He could have done anything his twisted mind could think up and my mother would do nothing to step in and protect me.
This is so final. So infinite. Nobody cares what happens to me. Nobody cares...no matter what.
The worst part is how much I still believe it. This is such a core belief.
It is seared to my soul.
I don't know what it is going to take to undo it. I don't know if it is possible to erase it. My logical mind knows that people now care about me. But, this was ingrained into my very being. My gut, my heart, my soul are taking a lot longer to reprogram the message.
I'm doing my best to comfort parts right now. But many of them are just about inconsolable. The anguish is huge. If I don't get around to some blogs for a while, please forgive me. I am just in the depths of grief right now.
Labels: aftermath, alters, betrayal, broken, child abuse, child parts, comfort, denial, memory work, torture
July 13, 2009
Freedom to Heal!
Friday Update: The carnival edition is up! Check out all the great links. The format is really cool! Mile 191 has done a great job hosting. And leave comments of support at the participating blogs, won't you? Thanks!
The theme for the July Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is "Freedom to Heal." I'm excited to announce that Mile 191 at Come Into My Closet will be hosting this Friday, July 17. About this carnival edition, Mile 191 says, "I have come to realize that healing is a choice. We have the freedom to move into a better future and to not give even one more moment of our lives to our abusers. We are free from them and have power over our past as we realize that healing is freedom....possible, available....healing is worth fighting for."
Wow, Mile 191, I couldn't have said it better myself. Now I just know you are going to be a GREAT host! Hurry, folks! The deadline for Friday's carnival is Wednesday, July 15. You can use the Blog Carnival submission form here.
The theme for the July Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is "Freedom to Heal." I'm excited to announce that Mile 191 at Come Into My Closet will be hosting this Friday, July 17. About this carnival edition, Mile 191 says, "I have come to realize that healing is a choice. We have the freedom to move into a better future and to not give even one more moment of our lives to our abusers. We are free from them and have power over our past as we realize that healing is freedom....possible, available....healing is worth fighting for."
Wow, Mile 191, I couldn't have said it better myself. Now I just know you are going to be a GREAT host! Hurry, folks! The deadline for Friday's carnival is Wednesday, July 15. You can use the Blog Carnival submission form here.
Labels: advocacy, aftermath, awareness, Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, healing
