Survivors Can Thrive!

This Blog Is Officially Closed

2012-01-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, this blog is officially closed. But, I will provide a brief update below, for my bloggy buddies who continue to stop by from time to time. Thanks for remembering me. I miss you all and remember you fondly as well. Use the following link if you would like to read my last official blog post. Or, if you'd like to read the post that explains why I decided to close down this blog, use this link. I continue to monitor and occasionally update my Twitter account, if you'd like to link over there go to my Twitter profile here.

"Blood Flower & Monarch" Copyright 2011 Marj Hopkins. All Rights Reserved.

UPDATE: Thanks for all the concern and well wishes for me, my family and our son. We still have him on random UA's to test for drugs and he has come up clean now for months. Thank God! We started him on an anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication as he seemed to be using the pot and synthetic pot as a way of self medicating. His work with his therapist is also going well.

My work in botanical illustration also continues to go well and I am enjoying it. The Monarch butterfly and milkweed image above is a piece I produced in a class I took this past fall. I also have started work on my first paid commission. Yay! Maybe, someday in the not-too-distant future, I will put up a link to a new website featuring my artwork. Thank you all for your interest in that as well. I hope you all are thriving as well as surviving. Blessing to you all.

Falling Through Fall

2011-09-26T10:14:00.001-06:00

So, I feel like I'm back to falling through Fall again, as it is often a very rough abuse "anniversary" time for me. But, I've done a lot of therapy (and continue to do so) and I'm finding that I am better now at picking myself up again.

What I want to do here is an update on how my son is doing. After he came up dirty on a UA for pot, we put our son on random UA testing. He goes in and pees in a cup every seven to ten days on a random basis. I thought that he was making wiser decisions and we were in a period of rebuilding trust. Unfortunately, on Friday I got the results back for another dirty UA, this time for synthetic THC.

Friday was a hell of a day. Not only did we get the dirty UA results, but my son got a $250 graphing/geometry calculator stolen out of his backpack, too. So, the boy's house where he was at is now off limits, and so is that entire geographic area, near the local mall, etc.

But, I want to use this opportunity--if anyone is still reading this blog at all--to tell you about the synthetic THC. It is bad news. If you are the parent of a young adult or teenager, I urge you to educate yourself on this nasty substance.

Here is Colorado, it is often called "Colorado Chronic." It also goes by the more common names of K2 and Spice. It is sold as incense and is still legal (even for minors!) in some states. It consists of some kind of "organic" material that is sprayed with JWH-018 or some other chemical form of synthetic cannabinoid. It is usually many times stronger that the THC found in marijuana. It causes rapid heart rate, anxiety and sometimes delusional states that have lead smokers to violence and suicide.

When states try to ban it, the chemists go in and tweak the formula, rendering it legal again. Many states are struggling with the loop holes that this street drug slips through. I have heard that there are also "bath salts" on the market that kids are smoking as well. The two main reasons why these drugs have become so popular, especially with young kids and people in the military (or other situations where they undergo drug tests regularly), are as follows: 1) The drug often does not show up on routine drug tests. 2) The drug is sold as incense or some other legal substance and is available even to minors.

Luckily, my son's therapist has found a drug counselor here in town who will send urine samples in to the Redwood Toxicology Laboratory in Santa Rosa, California, and they do, indeed, test for synthetic pot.

For all of you who have shown your concern and support, I thank you very much. I want you to know that my husband and I are very much involved in our son's therapy and in being aware of what is going on in his teen-aged life, providing structure, limits and consequences as appropriate to help him get back on track. God, I love that kid!

Bad Timing

2011-07-27T10:57:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I have the worst timing. I put my blog on its "updated only once-in-a-while" status just as I was about to hit one of the most challenging times of my life. It's been a difficult few months, not having the support of my bloggy buddies and the survivor solidarity I have always felt here.

Oh well. I haven't had the energy to do all my survivor advocacy stuff I used to do in the blogosphere, either. So I guess it's just one of those trade-offs of life.

As many of you know, my son has special needs and raising him has brought me the most love I have ever experienced, yet tested and challenged me more than I think I can bear sometimes. Up until recently, my son has not had much of a social life, in real life anyway (outside of gaming online and Facebook). Now, this summer, he has started to hang around kids who have way too much freedom, are smoking, doing drugs, etc. He finally feels accepted and I have always longed for him to have that and I know how important it is. I just hope he can come to realize the value of feeling accepted by kids who show more responsibility, make better choices and have stronger values.

So, with the help of his therapist, we've had to come down pretty hard with structure and consequences around here. We now have to up this part of the parenting game even more, as he just came back with dirty results on a recent UA for pot. I wouldn't be so upset about it if he were in college or something...but he is only 14 years old!

I feel amazingly fatigued just sharing this much right now. I'll try to get back and share more later. Any positive vibes, thoughts and/or prayers that any of you can send out there right now would be greatly appreciated.

Life Goes On...

2011-05-16T11:22:00.002-06:00

Boy, am I missing blogging and the blogosphere! Here it is May, and I didn't think I would be giving blogging much thought at this point. May is usually one of my best months of the year, when I usually get a great respite from my therapy work, triggers and dissociative nightmares. In the merry month of May, I am usually gardening, walking & hiking, drawing flowers and enjoying the great outdoors. Well, this May the weather is crappy and we're still getting frost at night. Also, there seems to be no let up in the triggers and therapy department. As a matter of fact, I had planned on taking the entire month of May off from therapy, as I have a botanical illustration class on my regular therapy day this month. But, things came up, inner child parts got scared, and my therapist had an opening on a different day from a client who is in Australia for a month. Oh, goodie! Lucky me!

I have done a little bit of Spring cleaning and I just finished a botanical illustration piece that took me many hours to produce and I am happy with it. But, other than that, I'm still doing a lot of therapy, a lot of inner child comforting...and not much of anything that looks like summer is almost here. What I am going to do, while I'm sitting here on this chilly morning in my fluffy jammies, is get around to some of your blogs. I realize that I submitted something to last month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, but I haven't gotten over to read the other entries. And, I'm pretty sure I never finished coming to your blogs to say goodbye. I got kinda out of order from my blogroll and lost track of where I was. So, if I come to your blog with my goodbyes more than once, bare with me. Thinking of you all, missing you, and wishing you all the best.

Finally...The Final Blog Post

2011-03-18T15:51:00.010-06:00

I had a few false starts with this "last official blog post" that I announced way back in October with this post here. The plan was to write my last post on the five-year anniversary of the blog, "Survivors Can Thrive!" This anniversary was November 14, 2010. But, life had other plans and I had a car accident on November 12, and then surgery for my injuries.

I thought about a few different things I would write for this post. Then, I had a little get together with a group of my friends that we sometimes call the "going deeper" group. It's a group of people that tend to have very little tolerance for idle chit chat and bullshit. We like to talk about "deep things." During our last get together, we drank wine and read each other our own obituaries that we had written for ourselves. Here is what mine said:

"The major accomplishment in the life of Marj McCabe was breaking the cycle of abuse. It was a cycle of child abuse--sometimes insidious, always heinous--that she was forced to inherit and had gone on for generations on both sides of her family of origin. Although this accomplishment took the excruciating work of therapy for much of her adult life, she never could have done it without the patience and love of her amazingly supportive husband. She never would have embarked on the perilous journey in the first place, had it not been for the immense love she felt for her own offspring. And while it never received the fanfare or recognition of other achievements having such great potential for positive impact on future generations, Marj could grasp its significance. And for her, it was enough."

Since writing that "obituary," I've thought a lot about just what is enough for me. One of the main reasons I started writing a blog is to find meaning for the abuse I suffered as a child. I'm not sure I've done that, but I have done a lot.

It was a very different world just five short years ago. Blogging was fairly new. When I first conducted a Google search with key words like"survivor," "thriver," "thrive," etc., I found very little out there. Most of the mentions about "survivor" were for the popular network television show of that name. Most of the results for "thrive" were for the insurance company who uses that word as a slogan in it's advertising campaigns. There was absolutely nothing when I looked up "thriver."

So, I got to take that name. I became Thriver. I used it on message boards and in forums, and I was the only one using that name when I first joined Twitter.

In the last five years, many more blogs and websites have started up about surviving and even thriving after child abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape, domestic violence, etc. Many books have been written on these important subjects. Many of us have been out there raising awareness and acting as advocates. There are some great advocates linked on Twitter, if you care to follow them as I do.

Now, when you google "survivor" or "survivors," you get results in the millions. The same is true for a search for "thrive." I'm happy to say that "survivors can thrive" brings back hundreds of thousands of result listings and even "thriver" will give you tens of thousands of results.

Another thing I've accomplished over the last five years was founding and growing The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. In June of this year, it will also be celebrating a five-year anniversary. I feel really good about that. Although I no longer maintain the carnival, it is going strong. You can follow it by clicking on the many links on the handy blog carnival widget you see on my sidebar.

So, what I'm doing now (in addition to the ongoing, ever-present therapy work) is taking classes and working on my certificate in botanical illustration. You can read about this dream of mine which is coming true in these posts here and here.

Yes, I'm finally following a dream of mine that I first had when I was an art major in college, 30 years ago. And, yes, I'm moving on with my life.

I guess it finally doesn't matter whether or not I find some "hidden meaning" for my abuse. I guess I've decided that finding meaning in my LIFE is enough. Going on with my life (after evil people tried to break me) is enough. Living a full life is enough. Enjoying a life of meaning and fulfillment is enough. All these things are more than enough for me. And I'm okay with that.

The Whole Harrowing Story

2011-01-17T15:47:00.013-07:00

I was just talking to a neighbor who was asking about my November car accident, injuries, and subsequent surgery. I think I finally feel up to doing the typing necessary to tell you all about it here.

It was the perfect birthday present: a botanical illustration retreat in Gateway Canyons, Colorado. Everything that could possibly go wrong, it seems, did when it came to this retreat I had been looking forward to for months. I won't go into the boring details of the other things that happened in the retreat debacle story. But, it culminated with me totaling my car just three miles before I would have made it to the beautiful resort.

I should never trust Mapquest. They are always wrong about at least one...or a dozen things. If it's not the map itself, it's the directions, or the time duration of the trip (those don't seem to ever be even slightly accurate). The Mapquest directions I had printed out for this drive said to go straight at a "T" intersection where my only alternatives were a right or left turn, of course. I got lost.

I had planned on making it to the resort with plenty of daylight left. Instead--by the time I finally find the correct route again--I'm driving down this twisty-turny, beautiful, two-lane canyon highway as the sun is setting behind the mountains. It was gorgeous, but I started to worry.

I saw the "deer crossing" and "bighorn sheep crossing" (yes, we have those out here in The West) signs right away. Ironically, I didn't pass any "elk crossing" signs and I didn't see any deer, or bighorn sheep. But, I did see a ton of elk. First, I saw a few scattered individuals, then I saw a herd that must have been at least 50-strong, in a valley near some water. "Oh, great," I thought to myself, "the animals are going to be coming out of the trees to my right, crossing the damn road, and then going down to get a drink of water and do their evening grazing to my left. I better drive slow and look out." I really did not want to hit an enormous elk with my car.

As much as I was annoyed and frustrated that I would have to slow down and arrive at the resort even later, I felt this was the safe thing to do. I turned off the car stereo and concentrated on looking out for deer, elk and bighorn sheep at the side of the road and/or crossing the road. I hardly saw any cars, people, or man-made structures of any kind. Sometimes, here in Colorado anyway, you can get some great photos of elk or bighorn sheep when you see other cars slowing down for them or stopping to take their own photos. You can also avoid the mule deer we have here (named for their very large ears) in this same way.

By the time I crashed my car, it was completely dark and black as pitch. There were no street lights in this remote location, and no light coming from any nearby buildings. All I had were the headlights of my car. I had just come around a corner and there he was, caught in those headlights. It was a huge mule deer buck. He was standing, right in the middle of the road, in my lane, perpendicular to the line of my car.

It's strange, the things that can go flying through your mind, in a matter of a few seconds at times like these. My first, weird thought was, "Huh. He doesn't look like the proverbial deer in the headlights at all. He looks more like a sedate cow, chewing its cud."

I noticed, however, that he did appear frozen to the spot. Once it was apparent he wasn't going anywhere, I noticed his big rack of antlers. I wondered if I should "T-bone," or broadside this huge animal. I figured the damage to the car would be worse and I had horrific pictures in my mind of this deer's antlers coming through my windshield and skewering me.

I put on the breaks a bit and turned the steering wheel to the left to see if I could just clip him instead of broadsiding him. But, it was like skidding on ice or hydroplaning on the pavement when there is a lot of water. I was aware that I could roll the car and I wanted to avoid that as I knew the damage that could be done there, from hearing about the experience when my sister rolled her car while hydroplaning years ago. But, I knew, no matter what I did, it was going to be bad. I was not making it to the resort that night, that was certain.

I remember the impact of my car hitting the buck. I felt the impact and I heard it as well. Then, I was careening off the road, watching trees whip past me. "Oh, God," I prayed, "please don't let me hit a tree!" I don't remember the airbags deploying (but they did) and I don't remember hitting the tree. (The state troopers told me later--at the ER of the Grand Junction hospital--that I had, indeed, hit a tree.) My life didn't flash before me, but I know I was praying. "I don't want to leave my husband or my child," I prayed, "please, God, don't let me die!"

The next thing I remember, everything was still and quiet. All I could hear was the car's radiator hissing. I had come to rest in a narrow, deep ditch. My first thought at that point was, "Thank you, God! I'm alive!" I was amazed that the windshield hadn't shattered. I looked down at myself and I held out my hands in front of me. There wasn't even any blood anywhere. It was a miracle! But, I was also very scared even though, I'm sure, I was still in shock. I saw a lot of smoke pouring out of the crumpled front end of the car, from under the hood. It was emitting a terrible, noxious smell. I was afraid the car might burst into flames or something; I decided I should get right out of there.

Between the smoke and the dark, I couldn't see very well, but I felt around for my purse. It had gone flying, and my cell phone had flown out somewhere to unknown regions. I unlocked the car doors, I unbuckled my seat belt without any problems and also opened the driver's side door without any trouble. Amazing! I was thinking, "I've got to get away from this smoking car and get to the road to flag somebody down." I didn't have much hope of that, however. I was, literally, in the middle of the beautiful, picturesque nowhere. Somehow--pure adrenalin I'm sure--I marched up the steep incline, out of the ditch.

Miraculously, I spotted a car coming quite soon. It seemed like only about five minutes, but I'm not sure what my perception of time was at that point. I saw the headlights and didn't worry too much about getting hit by the oncoming car. I stood in the middle of the road and waved the car down with everything I had. It was a woman driving a white van. She slowed down. I stepped out of the way. But, she passed on by. "Oh, shit!" I started praying again. "Please, God, make her turn around!" Mercifully, she did. She was the local pastor's wife and I felt that she was an angel. She wondered, at first, what was going on, who I was, and where my car could be. Then, she saw the smoke and figured my car was down in the ditch and she should turn back to help me. Bless her.

She parked the van at the side of the road and walked back to me. She asked me all the questions that I just indicated she had already figured out for herself. Then she asked, "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

It's ironic that the auto safety features that saved my life were responsible for my only injuries. I had some really gruesome looking bruises that came from my seat belt's lap belt, I had a bruise across the bridge of my nose from the airbag and the shoulder harness snapped my clavicle. But, it really is a miracle I am alive, and I am grateful.

The next day after my accident, my husband drove out and got me. We went to the vehicle tow lot to get my luggage and other stuff out of the totaled Subaru Outback Legacy wagon. The front end, all the way up to the windshield, was smashed in so completely as to be unrecognizable. You could see lots of broken-off branches and sticks from the tree and the round, broken spots on the windshield where either the buck's antlers or hooves had impacted. The tow truck driver pointed out where the clumps of deer fur were still stuck to my car.

He said he had a "hellava time" getting my car towed out of that deep ditch. He, and everyone else I had met the previous night, kept asking me, "How did you get out of that ditch?" How did I get out? I don't know. That was a miracle, too, I guess. I'm lucky and I'm happy to be alive. My bruises are gone and I'm healing from my collar bone surgery. They put in a plate and some screws to hold the two broken pieces in place, with one final screw between the two portions as a bone graft.

I'm sleeping better now and I've weened myself off Percoset. I am currently weening myself off of Vicodin, which my doctor put me on because, I guess, it is less habit-forming. But, both have side effects and uncomfortable withdrawal effects. I still can't lift much, but I'm doing my assigned physical therapy exercises and I'm getting stronger on my left side again. I can type with both hands now but it is slow and a bit painful. I make a lot of typos. Thank God for spell-check!

And thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, get-well wishes and healing vibes sent. I start my botanical illustration classes up again in the middle of February and I'm looking forward to that. I hope that the winter isn't being too hard on you and that you have something nice to look forward to, too.

Something In The Meantime

2011-01-04T16:54:00.002-07:00

A little something in the meantime...while I am healing from my surgery...

Saw this today through a link on Twitter. This one really made me cry. Powerful.

STAND BY

2010-11-16T09:16:00.003-07:00

UPDATE, WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 15: i found out yesterday that i will go in 4 surgery on dec 23. meeerrrrrryyy christmas ! oh well, getting rid of pain and a good nite sleep will be a great gift! thank u all 4 checking on me w/ your kindness, hugs and get-well wishes. *hugs back 2 all of u*

the 5-year anniversary/last official blog post has been delayed due to an unforeseen medical emergency. i have a broken collar bone and can't really type right now. i am using the one-handed, hunt-and-peck method here and it is soooo slow. i am okay and i will be back with an update as soon as i can.

get those posts in for the blog carnival, won't you please? i think the details and links are in my last post below, or you can use the bc widget there on my sidebar. thanks! talk soon.

A Big Milestone & A Big Decision

2010-10-28T16:54:00.002-06:00

Happy Autumn, again, everyone. This Fall, I have a big milestone coming up to celebrate. On Sunday, November 14, it will be the five-year anniversary of my Survivors Can Thrive! blog. You can view the original post from November 14, 2005 here. Hey, go over and leave a comment there, will you? I notice it has "0 comments." LOL! Thanks! ;)

But, I have also made a big decision. So, on that anniversary celebration day, I will also be sad. I've decided that, on that day, I will write my last official post for this blog.

Flying With The Leaves by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com

I've been thinking about it for a while now, but I didn't want to make this decision final--much less announce it--until I had someone to take over for me as the blogger who maintains The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I've asked Tracie at the FromTracie blog to let me pass the blog carnival baton to her. She thought it over for a while and has now agreed! Yay, Tracie! I know you will do an excellent job running the carnival.

Splinty, (Splinteredones over at Twitter) who runs the SPLINTEREDONE'S BLOG, has committed to hosting the November edition of our carnival. I will make sure to help Tracie and Splinty organize, promote and run this carnival edition, whether it takes place before or after my November 14 anniversary/last-official-blog-post date. As I told Tracie in a recent e-mail, I will continue--especially for the first several months of transition time--to help her with any maintenance issues, promote the carnival over at Twitter (although I'll continue to reduce my presence there) and even submit some old posts I have in my SurvivorsCanThrive coffers to monthly editions.

I will not be pulling down my blog or my Survivors Can Thrive! dot com site. I will leave them both up indefinitely. I want them to remain available on the Internet as a resource for anyone who might be able to use them. I will restrict my blog posting, however, to a once-in-a-while personal journal entry when I'd like to scratch out a therapy poem or otherwise hit the keys to do my journaling rather than put pen to paper the old-fashioned way. That is what "blog" stands for after all: web log, as in journal. I know a lot of folks who use their blog simply as an online journal, and I think I will now be okay with that for myself, rather than feeling any pressure to post weekly or on any kind of timeline at all.

The thing that I will be the most sad about--severely restricting my presence in the blogosphere--is not spending more time with my bloggy buddies and advocating for child abuse prevention and survivors. Over the last five years, the people I have met through blogging have become quite important to me, in addition to my ability to stop the silence, silence the shame, and break the cycle of child abuse.

But, in the midst of my sadness, I will also be celebrating. Not only will I be celebrating the work that I've done here at Survivors Can Thrive! and the wonderful survivors and survivor advocates I have met along the way, but I will also be celebrating my journey toward thriving and where it is now leading me. I think the journey to becoming a Thriver is somewhat similar to the goal of becoming more Christlike or being more like The Buddha. It is probably not something that many of us actually completely achieve in this lifetime, but it is something that we can make strides toward every day. This is where I am on my Survivor-to-Thriver path.

I will continue my therapy and working toward achieving Thriver status. But, now that I am finally feeling like I truly am thriving more every day, I will stop and take time to enjoy the things that make me feel like I'm thriving. Right now, a big one of those things is my work toward my certificate in botanical illustration. I am about a third of the way through the educational program at The Denver Botanic Gardens and I've got my work in a show for the first time ever. I'm hoping to continue to show my work in exhibits more down the road. And, eventually, (in addition to completing my portfolio and earning my certificate) I hope to start making some sales. *fingers crossed*

So, folks, the bottom line is that I don't know whether or not I will ever finish writing the book that I began, with the working title of "Survivors Can Thrive!" I want to see where this botanical illustration path will lead me. And, I'm feeling more comfortable right now with the decision to use my creative energy and time (that I would have put into finishing my book) for becoming a professional botanical illustrator. What this will, hopefully, mean (and I've had a lot of folks ask me what this will mean) is that I may, some day, have some of my illustrations published in a book similar to this Plant Select Guide. And/or, I may illustrate some seed packets for a company such as Botanical Interests, who uses illustrations instead of photographs for their plant seed products. Maybe some day I will even get represented by a gallery, have my own one-woman shows, and sell framed illustrations and prints made from my original works, just like one of my instructors who has this website. She is an awesome artist and so inspiring to me!

As you can probably tell, I'm very excited about this. And--even if I'm illustrating plants instead of blogging and otherwise writing--I will continue working every day toward thriving. It's the same journey, just down a different path now. Thank you all for your readership, support, bloggy and tweety friendship, and survivor solidarity, as well as your commitment, involvement and promotion of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse over these last five years. It's not even possible that I would have come this far on my Survivors Can Thrive! journey without all of you and I am truly grateful. During the next three weeks and before I write my last official blog post, I will come over to visit your blogs and thank you personally for everything you have done for and with me in bloggyland.

In the meantime, don't just survive...bloom, grow, THRIVE! ;)

October Blog Carnival

2010-10-20T08:38:00.003-06:00

Update; Friday, October 22: Tracie has the October edition of the blog carnival up at her blog. She's done a great job of organizing the posts. Thanks, Tracie! And thanks to all who participate and support our carnival each month. Go on over and do some reading & commenting, won't you? I appreciate you raising your awareness and helping us out with your advocacy.

***

Tracie, from the blog From Tracie, has graciously offered to be our host again for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. She will host the October edition on Friday, 10/22.

Submissions don't have to have any theme this month, but hurry! The deadline is midnight tonight (U.S. Pacific time)--that's Wednesday, 10/20. Don't forget our regular submission categories of Poetry, Survivor Stories, In The News, Advocacy & Awareness, Art Therapy, Aftermath and Healing & Therapy. You can use this handy submission form link here.

While The Blossoms Still Cling To The Vine

2010-10-15T13:43:00.002-06:00

Happy Autumn, everyone. I've been away from the blogosphere for a while, comforting and taking care of myself after some pretty intense fall-time therapy.

I've been continuing my morning walks and trying to keep that weight off that I lost over the summer. The weather here has been unseasonably warm and beautiful lately. There are still flowers blooming and tomatoes ripening on the vine, as it has not given us a real, hard frost here yet.

Autumn's Last Roses by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com

After the poem I wrote and posted on my last blog post, I felt amazingly better in the emotional department. The grieving I've been doing has been cathartic as well. I really feel like I'm healing--instead of reeling--this Autumn, and that's a much-needed and appreciated change of pace.

I hope that The Fall is treating you all well. You are all in my thoughts and I'm sending well wishes.

Fall Fallout

2010-09-30T10:09:00.003-06:00

So, what's happening with Marj's annual "Fall Fallout," aka "Fall Freak-out" this year? Well, I'm only seeing my therapist once a week this time around and I even took last week off. There doesn't seem to be any need to stay somewhere else or have a therapy marathon in 2010. There seems to be a lot less panic than in previous years. So, that's all good.

But, I am dealing with a lot of grief and devastation. I've done quite a bit of grief work on my mother, but not so much on the old sperm donor. My father seems to be the focus of the therapy this year. After working through a lot of the panic and fear, I guess I'm ready to deal with the sadness and rejection issues that came from the man who was supposed to be my father. This man--who I wanted to be my Daddy--not only sexually abused me, but also systematically tortured me and broke my spirit, in addition to almost killing me on numerous occasions.

After crying and comforting this morning, I scratched out a poem. Here it is:

Nothing Human or Humane

Who are you?
How could you?
Force the innocence
From a precious child

Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?

Your eyes don't see
Your ears don't hear
My pain and tears
Never seen or heard

Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?

My cries and pleas
To show some mercy
Mean nothing
To your cold, dead heart

Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?

The darkest evil
Pours from you
As you torture beauty
to unrecognizable ugly

Is there nothing in you
That is human or humane?

Copyright 2010, Marj McCabe ~ All rights reserved.

So, now I'm off to my therapist's office for a session. I will try to make it over to some blogs for a visit soon. I hope that the healing journey is kind to you today. And be kind to yourself, okay?

Away For A Bit

2010-09-21T07:38:00.004-06:00

My husband, son and I are taking some very much-needed family mental health time off. Talk to you all when I return. Hopefully, I will be refreshed and revived. Safe hugs to all! :)

Inner Child: My Favorite Survivor Topic

2010-09-13T14:11:00.004-06:00

Update, Friday, September 17th: Dan has the Inner Child Edition of our blog carnival up at his blog, Thoughts Along The Road To Healing. It's a large edition, with about 30 entries. And Dan has done a wonderful job organizing it. Thanks, Dan! We have several articles on the topic of the Inner Child: Honoring our Inner Child, Grieving, and Comforting our Inner Child, to name a few. So, why not take a spin at the carnival this month and comfort your inner child? Please take some time to read the entries and leave supportive comments at the blogs of these brave and awareness-raising bloggers. Thanks for your support of our carnival!

This month, Dan L Hays will host The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. And he's chosen my favorite survivor topic as the theme for this month's edition: The Inner Child. I've always loved writing about my inner child here at my blog and I already have a few posts on the topic that I can send along for this edition.

About his theme, Dan said, "As I have moved along my journey to healing, the concept of the inner child has been extremely important. As I have shared about it, others have echoed that sentiment! We will honor our inner child, and share how they have been a part of our path to healing!

Please submit anything related to inner child and child abuse. As always, you do not have to limit yourself to this month’s theme. All submissions are welcome."

Our other, regular, submission categories are: Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. The deadline for this month's edition is midnight (Pacific time, U.S.) Wednesday, September 15. Dan will post the edition on Friday, September 17. So, get those submissions on your inner child and other topics in, folks! Thanks, as always, for your continued support of and participation in our carnival. You can use the handy widget you see there on my sidebar, or this submission form here.

It's Whiny Weeny Time

2010-09-10T11:04:00.004-06:00

I hate to be a whiny weeny, but things are just so hard sometimes, ya know? I'm having some really rough body memories and reactions to the therapy I'm doing right now. I'm just so exhausted from it all and now my body is reacting to it, too. I won't go into the gory details, but I'm having some gastrointestinal ickyness and now I've got a bad cold.

I'm still reeling from the fact that my son got suspended from school the other day. He has to be suspended for a minimum of five days, which means I'm basically home schooling him at the moment. We go for a hearing next week. It's a long, crazy story.

Do you ever want to ask, "Why me, Universe, really? Could you pick on somebody else for a while?"

I'll put up a post about our next blog carnival. It will be next week, folks, so look at the widget on my sidebar and get those posts in, please. Other than keeping up with that, I'm going to be a bit under the radar some more for a while. Thanks for your patience, understanding, and continuing those very thoughtful and supportive comments, all. I do appreciate you greatly.

So, What's Happening?

2010-09-01T16:29:00.003-06:00

Thank you all for your kind support on my last post. Even those of you who do not experience dissociation yourself--although we all do it, to a certain extent, like "highway hypnosis"--were very thoughtful in your comments. I so appreciate knowing that I am not alone.

So, my son did not want to go camping with us this past weekend and that brought up some rejection issues. At first, I started in with a lot of self-loathing and internal name calling like, "goober, loser," etc. Then, I just allowed myself to be sad. That feeling-the-feelings stuff really does help with my dissociation.

With some journaling and therapy "homework," I've come to the conclusion that rejection is a big issue for this "Fall Freak-out" period. Unfortunately, it also involves the actual fear of death if I get out of line. So, my therapy session tomorrow should be a whopper. Send up some prayers, thoughts or vibes, will you? Thanks in advance!

Dissociation: Questioning Reality

2010-08-18T14:53:00.007-06:00

I'm behind on everything. I know I haven't been around to visit your blogs and I'm sorry about that. We lost our host for the month of August for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse and I may just let it slide.

What is happening with me is that I'm swimming in the deep, dark hole of dissociation. I'm trying to figure out just what it is in my anguished memory that has me reeling every August and basically makes my life from August through the holidays almost a complete wash.

The memory iceberg I've started to chip away at with my therapist is extremely complicated. It's going to take a lot of work. And the fear of the feelings that this chipping away activity will reveal, naturally for me, leads to a lot of dissociation. Luckily--at the moment, anyway--I'm able to observe this dissociation, rather than getting suicidal or running away in dissociative fugues. Both of these less attractive alternatives I have experienced in the Fall many, many times.

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Lost In/Out Of Time by LuvLisa on Polyvore.com

The other day, for example, I was experiencing a great amount of derealization after my therapy session. This particular time, it was not a particularly unpleasant experience, but it is always strange and bizarre. I was fixing dinner and realizing that I was not quite sure who it was who lived in this house where I found myself in the kitchen. I was waiting for some stranger to walk through the door and ask what the hell I was doing in their house. But, as I looked around, I noticed it was a nice house and I was glad to be there. I kept the panic that can often arise at these moments at bay by reminding myself that my husband was the one who would actually be walking through the door--home from work--at any moment. Fortunately, I was not experiencing depersonalization at the same time; the panic would have been harder to suppress otherwise.

I don't know if anyone I meet will ever fully understand the concept of dissociation, if I, myself will ever fully understand it, or if any "expert" in the field will ever sufficiently explain it to me. But, let me bring something to your attention that you may be able to relate to.

Have you had a chance yet to see the movie, Inception? In the movie, the characters are forced to question their reality again and again. I think dissociation is very much like that. Just imagine in addition, however, that while you are questioning your reality, you are also questioning who the hell you are.

Set-Back Subsiding? An Update

2010-08-09T13:05:00.004-06:00

Thank you, sweet bloggy friends, for your support on my last post. Wow! That was a rough one. I was basically out of commission entirely for about three days, then another couple of days were needed to get back more completely to myself. It was the most dissociated I've been for quite a while. The good news is that I didn't run away or act out in any bizarre, alienating ways, freaking out family and friends around me. What I did instead is just hunker down and lay low for a while. I slept a lot and I attempted a lot of comforting. Today was the first day when it felt like the comforting was actually getting through.

It's ironic because I was just talking to my T about getting back to weekly therapy appointments so that we can work on the "Annual Fall Freak-out" issues. I was hoping--with a lot of work--that I'd get by relatively unscathed this year, starting when the kids go back to school. This dentist freak-out incident doesn't leave me feeling too confident about that anymore.

I Don't Want To Look by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com

But, back to what happened at the dentist's office. The long and short of the matter is that this dentist started in on a procedure, but didn't warn me of what he was going to do. This was after getting up my nerve again to get into his office after about three years. We've been trying to figure out what was causing so much pain for me. I was feeling like a hypochondriac while we were trying to solve this dental mystery. I knew that I had cracks in my teeth (from clenching them) and I've been wearing a night guard for three years to help with that. But, I didn't know what was causing such extreme pain in this one location.

Well, come to find out, I have a deep crack in one of my teeth that goes completely across the entire tooth. We don't know for sure how deep it is. The dentist decided to fill this tooth, even though this particular tooth has never had a cavity. Instead of telling me this, he just goes in and starts causing pain in my gums.

I was like, "Uh, hello?! What is it exactly that you are doing right now?" He basically laughs off my question. He didn't throw is head back with a belly laugh, but he kinda scoffed and said something like, "Oh, that couldn't possibly have hurt much!" I wanted to slap the uncaring bastard across the face! He added, "I was just giving you a local anesthetic so that this shot of Novocain I'm about to give you won't hurt as much."

I said, "Listen! Not only do I have extreme dental fear and childhood trauma, I also have dental trauma. I have PTSD and a dissociative disorder. If you tell me what you are going to do before you do it, that will help a lot."

I should be proud of myself that I was assertive like that (although I was pissed that it became necessary for me to repeat my trauma story for like the millionth time with this thoughtless person who forgets and doesn't care, when I told my story and made my requirements abundantly clear before I ever allowed these people to touch me three years ago!) But, you know what? It was too late. The next thing I knew I was in a dissociative stupor. It was like I had fallen down a deep, black hole and I couldn't crawl back out.

It was a miracle I got myself back home. My son noticed how tranced out I was and asked, "Wow, Mom! What did they give you at the dentist's office? Some heavy drugs or something?" I said, "No. I'm just extremely dissociated." Then, I just crawled into bed and vegged out.

I want to tell this jerkoid dentist that he owes me at least three days of my damn life back!

I don't know what I'm going to do now. He says I need to put a crown over that cracked tooth or I could have an abscess or have to have a root canal...or I don't know what else he was rambling on about in a very put-fear-into-the-patient's-soul, very poor bedside manner sort of way. By then, I was already too far gone dissociatively speaking. I was basically a zombie by that time. All I really remember is repeating in my head over and over, "Just get the hell out of here and then you're never coming back!"

The real pisser about this whole situation is that this is the second dentist I've had trouble with in the last six years and both of them were specifically recommended to me by people in the field as dentists who had special training for trauma survivors and folks with extreme dental fear. I'd like to know how the sadistic jerks who don't have the appropriate training act and treat their patients! No. Never mind. I don't want to know.

Slam! A Set-Back

2010-08-07T11:11:00.002-06:00

Damn! I've slammed right into the rough surface of a set-back. And it really feels like crap!

I got very traumatized at the dentist last week. It makes me so mad! This dentist was specifically recommended to me as someone who worked well with trauma survivors and patients with extreme dental fear. And I've been so assertive, stating exactly what I would need in order to feel safe enough to get my dental work done there.

This time, the dental assistant is very nice, compassionate and accommodating. I talk a bit about the dental assistant witch I had to endure at my last dentist's office in this post here. But, this new woman is helpful. She even found me some sunglasses to wear during the procedures so that the light in my eyes doesn't trigger me so much. The dentist himself, on the other hand, just doesn't care.

Ah, shit! I feel very dissociated writing this post (the last few days has been the most dissociated I've been after a trigger in about two years). I guess I'll have to come back and write the rest of this later.

Free To Blog

2010-07-23T11:41:00.002-06:00

The July issue of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up! Dr. Kathleen Young did a great job of hosting this carnival. It looks large, but also of great quality, with lots of themed posts discussing freedom, independence and interdependence this month. Go take a look and leave supportive comments on the blogs of these brave bloggers, won't you? Thanks!

Freedom Is A Natural High

2010-07-21T20:12:00.015-06:00

For this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, our host, Dr. Kathleen Young, wanted to do an Independence or Freedom theme in honor of Independence Day (July 4th) here in the U.S. My recent wilderness camping trip really got me thinking about when I feel the most free. It is definitely when I am out in nature.

When I am looking at a glorious sunset, taking a wildflower hike or watching birds, I feel like everything can be right with the world. At these precious moments, I believe that I totally belong. I am not a freak or an alien, but part of the intricate web of life.

Maybe the nature fix is so good for me because I've grieved over the fact that the "parenting" I received as a child was anything but natural. It is not natural for a mother to have no protective instinct for her offspring. It is not natural when predators reduce their victims to something less than human; stripping them of their inborn right to humanity, respect and dignity.

And, perhaps, the dignity thing holds a connection for me, too. I believe that all God's creatures--no matter how small or seemingly insignificant--have an inherent dignity, divinity and sovereignty simply for the fact that God created them. What could be more divine than a bejeweled hummingbird sipping at a tubular flower? What's more majestic than a mountain? What could be more sovereign than a mighty moose? What's more natural than a mother suckling her young?

This leads me to another thing that Dr. Young said when she called for submissions for this carnival: "My first thought was how fitting, given that today we celebrate Independence Day in the U.S. I then started thinking about the meaning of independence for survivors and our culture as a whole. For me, this naturally leads to thoughts about dependence, unmet dependency needs and interdependence." I believe that all God's creatures are interdependent because we are all connected. What we choose to do in our lives has global and universal consequences. Because we are all connected, we cannot pretend that our actions do not effect the lives of beloved, divine others.

I also firmly believe that people who are damaged and afraid--not willing to look at the wounds they need to heal--allow evil to enter in because they do not feel connected. They don't feel connected to God, to nature, to other human beings.

Maybe, for me, it was something as simple as my constant habit of tree climbing during my childhood summers that kept me open to my connection with nature. Whatever it was, I have always found nature healing and comforting. I'm so glad that my love of nature helped me to stay connected to the divine and, eventually, succeed at breaking the multi-generational cycle of abuse from my "family" of origin.

I now have a new family that I've created with my husband and son. And, I will always have my universal family; a belonging with all God's creation.

I belong.

I am connected.

And I am free.

Hey, There!

2010-07-19T16:53:00.004-06:00

My husband and I had a wonderful, peaceful, rejuvenating time camping. It was a really special adventure in the gorgeous Colorado wilderness. I'm going to write a cool post about that and (hopefully) post some awesome photos that the hubby took.

But, today was a therapy day and I'm wiped. So, for now I'll just tell you that we have the July Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse coming up at Dr. Kathleen Young's blog. She's chosen an Independence theme for July's carnival.

About this edition she said, "My first thought was how fitting, given that today we celebrate Independence Day in the U.S. I then started thinking about the meaning of independence for survivors and our culture as a whole. For me, this naturally leads to thoughts about dependence, unmet dependency needs and interdependence. I plan to write more about all of that for my Carnival post later this month!

Please submit anything related to independence, dependence or interdependence and child abuse. As always, you do not have to limit yourself to this month’s theme. All submissions are welcome."

Don't forget our regular submission categories of Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, July 21 and the edition will post on Friday (7/23).

I'm going to tie in my nature/camping post with my independence post and I'll see y'all then.

Going Through The Memories

2010-07-06T15:53:00.003-06:00

So, I had a request in the comments of my last post that I will try to address here. I know, I know, I still have some guest blog and interview requests that I have yet to fulfill, but those folks aren't exactly coming to my blog every day, either. This is for a reader that I know wants to hear about something specific right now.

I feel very honored, actually. This new reader is coming to my dot com site, Survivors Can Thrive! and my blog at the referral of her therapist. I had no idea anything like that was happening. I'm am touched. And like I said, I feel honored.

This reader wanted to know if I had any advice about how to help her share an abuse memory during a counseling session, but, "not go through and experience it again in my mind." I told this reader that I always hesitate to give advice and that I am aware that each person's healing experience is different.

However, this is a huge survivor healing issue. At times, I am really struck by how much it sucks that someone else did this to us--abused us and caused trauma--but we are the ones who must be responsible for our healing and do the work to recover. But, this is the ironic reality.

Another ironic reality, that I have struggled to come to terms with in my own healing, is the fact that I have not been successful at finding any way to go around the painful feelings associated with the abuse. It sounds cliche, but for me, I have found that I really have to go through it to get to the other side. For me, this "other side" is life more in the moment, feeling safe, having functional (as opposed to dysfunctional) relationships, and no longer feeling completely disabled about the prospect of living my day-to-day life.

Now, before I launch into my battle cry of "feel the feelings; it's the key to healing," and you tune my pie-in-the-sky message out, let me tell you a little bit about how I came to this point and this conclusion.

First of all, you need to know that I have had many false starts in therapy and have really floundered many, many times. One of the reasons I blog and keep my dot com site going is in the hopes that some survivors reading about my story can avoid at least some of the long, drawn out, painful detours of recovery that I've experienced. For starters, I have been working on recovery from extreme child abuse, incest, torture, PTSD and a dissociative disorder for about 15 years. I think you could call me a therapy "veteran."

Now, I didn't even find out I had PTSD until about 10 years ago. Then, it took me a while to realize that a diagnosis of a dissociative disorder was appropriate for my situation. That came about eight years ago. I finally got a really excellent therapist who has a lot of expertise (over 20 years worth) in dissociation in January of 2007. You can read about how I started really (finally) working on my dissociative disorder in this post from 1/07 here.

Back before I found my current therapist--and after my family moved to Colorado--I was given the diagnosis of PTSD. At this time, I attempted EMDR. As many of us know by now, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. You can link to some EMDR sites on my dot com site's "Treatment & Research" page here.

My first experience with EMDR started out amazingly hopeful but almost ended in disaster. The practitioner that I went to the first time around promised me that the feelings I would experience surrounding a particular trauma memory that we would process in this way would be significantly reduced, or neutralized so to speak, at the end of a session. I want to say that there were times when I experienced this to actually be the case. Unfortunately, my first EMDR therapist neglected to get me appropriately grounded before we started doing EMDR and I became extremely re-traumatized.

I always tell folks, who ask me what I think about EMDR, how important I feel that the grounding piece is. Now, I'm not a doctor, and I would have a hard time advising anyone on exactly what they would need to do, individually, to get grounded before this type of therapy. But, I do advise that you look into the prospect of finding a T who is an expert in traumatic stress if you want to go this route. That person should know exactly what to do to help you get grounded before EMDR...and will know what this means. My second therapist here in Colorado is an expert in traumatic stress and he taught me many grounding exercises. Some of them I still do, almost on a daily basis. If you want to find one of these experts yourself, there are links to lists of therapists who are board certified experts in traumatic stress on the same Treatment page of my dot com site that I mentioned earlier.

But you know what? Reducing the feeling stress associated with my childhood trauma hasn't worked out to be the key to my healing at all. I didn't hear this battle cry of "Feel the Feelings" until I went down to the Colin Ross program down in Dallas in September of 2006. There is a link to the Colin A. Ross Institute For Psychological Trauma on my dot com Treatment page as well.

Down in Dallas, they were really big on "Feel The Feelings!" I didn't really know why at the time, but after I allowed myself to feel the buried feelings associated with my response to my childhood abuse, I would feel amazingly better. First, I would be amazed that the feelings didn't somehow kill me...then I'd feel devastated...then, slowly, I'd feel better...somehow more healed. One of the "Feel-The-Feelings" exercises I did with materials from the Ross program is talked about in this post here from December of 2006. It really gets into the feelings of grief and loss.

What I later learned is that my dissociated parts were keeping many of the feelings from me in order to protect me. A child just can't come face to face with those kinds of life-shattering feelings during the childhood abuse and still expect to be a kid, go to school, and grow up to be an adult. It was my dissociated parts who really needed to realize (and still continue this process today) that I am now not going to die when I get in touch with these feelings. Also, they need to know that they can now let go of their burden. I am the adult and I can carry it on my own now, with the help of my therapist.

One of the things my current therapist always comes back to, in regards to her training, is something called the BASK model. Unfortunately, I can never find much written about it. If I had a book on it, I would add it to my survivor-to-thriver library. I do know that it was developed by Bennett Braun as a model of dissociation. The letters in the BASK acronym stand for Behavior, Affect, Sensation and Knowledge. You can read a little bit about it using this link here.

Here's what I understand about BASK: First of all, my dissociation kept all Knowledge--the "K" in BASK-- of the sexual abuse and torture from my conscious awareness. But, I started to get clues to how my childhood abuse led to my disorder by my Behavior--the "B" in BASK. One of the classic behaviors I exhibited was gravitating toward other abusers. I had "Victim" stamped on my forehead for years. One of the "Sensation" mysteries that always astounded me was my extremely high tolerance for pain. But later, when I was diagnosed with PTSD and started therapy about my child abuse, I started having body memories of physical pain.

What was missing for such a long time was the "Affect" piece. These are my feelings and how I express them. If you--like me at one time--are walking around like a robot with a smile plastered on your face that doesn't seem sincere, I'm going to guess you are also not yet dealing with the feelings, and have little affect showing at this time.

My therapist firmly believes that I need to join all four of these BASK pieces--Behavior, Sensation, Knowledge and Affect--as they relate to my trauma memories, in order to stop relying on dissociation in order to cope...and to recover and heal. I have to say that I've come to the point where I agree with her.

It's an on-going process. I am continuing the journey. But, I am amazed and truly pleased that I am now finding myself much further down along the path than I ever thought I would be!

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig!

2010-07-01T14:08:00.002-06:00

So, we're back from our family trip. We had a nice visit with several friends. It was the most positive, pleasant, social interaction I have had for quite some time.

We drank good wine, ate delicious food, listened to live music and had nice conversation. I even managed to keep up some pretty good eating habits and did my morning walk four times while I was away. I might have gained a couple of pounds, but probably no more than two back from the nine I lost. Yeah!

But, I Had Something To Say by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com

I only had one dissociative "episode" while I was on this vacation. My son said something inappropriate and disrespectful and I got triggered. I managed to deal with him during this "learning moment" in an appropriate parental manner.

But, I heard a voice in my head responding with, "Just shut up. No one wants to hear anything you have to say." Yuck! I'm sure I heard that one--almost word-for-word--many times while growing up in my abusive household. Then, I noticed something else. I responded with my behavior as well. I did exactly that--I shut up. There's like this part inside me--a monitor--that notices when an idea starts to form in my head at these times. This monitor quickly spots the idea and squashes it down before it has a chance to become words that form on my lips. The idea is shut down before it can come out of my mouth.

I had a therapy session today and we talked about this quite a bit. It's a huge self-esteem issue. I'm sure it is closely related to my inability to finish my book and my habit of shutting down and not getting any writing done on my blog at times.

Ah, the work continues. I'm going to be coming around to your blogs in the next few days, now that I'm back in town and online, and see what YOU have to say. Because, I do care and I am interested in your thoughts, feelings and ideas. See you soon!

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: Four-Year Anniversary Edition

2010-06-19T08:32:00.007-06:00

Welcome to the Four-Year Anniversary Edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I can hardly believe that on June 19, 2006, I founded this carnival with the debut of our first-ever edition.

Trigger Warning: Understandably, the subject of child abuse can be disturbing. Please exercise appropriate self-care when reading the following posts. We all want to advocate and raise awareness, but remember to keep yourself safe!

I'll start this edition off with a post of my own that discusses Are We Leaving The Door Wide Open For Child Abuse?
It talks about some events from my son's school and our neighborhood that really got me thinking about protecting our children. I think it was one of the things that helped motivate me to start The Blog carnival Against Child Abuse.

Mike McBride, from Child Abuse Survivor, was in our very first carnival edition four years ago. Since then, he's been one of our most active monthly participants and hosts. Thanks for all you do, Mike! Here, he presents Anniversaries and says, "In honor of the 4th anniversary, I had a thought about looking back on your life on important anniversaries." Hey, great idea! Thanks, Mike!

Healing & Therapy

I feel bad that this first Healing & Therapy post was lost temporarily in the junk mail black hole of last month's host. This is a blogger, who I know from Twitter, who was encouraged to submit by another one of our valued Tweeps. The blog is called Protect Your Joy who said this when submitting: "Hope (Hopefortrauma) encouraged me to submit a post or two to your carnival. I am, honestly, very nervous to submit. Thank you for this Blog Carnival, it is always a blessing to read & an inspiration to survivors such as myself. Take care!" I'm so glad you could join us, Protect Your Joy, and I hope you will again, even if we do have technical difficulties sometimes. ;) Here's the wonderful post that shows great honesty, but also amazing hope for healing. It's called The Black Sheep, The Sick Child.

Dr. Kathleen Young, who will be hosting our carnival in July, has submitted Learning to Love Yourself After Trauma for June. She is a regular contributor to the Healing & Therapy category from her blog, Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago. This is a wonderful, healing post. I think any survivor could benefit from it. Thanks, Dr. Young!

Patricia Singleton presents Acknowledging Your Grief And Releasing It posted at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker, saying, "Since I have been doing some major grieving lately having to do with my incest issues, I am revisiting older articles like this that I wrote about grief." I have found that feeling the feelings is so key to healing from childhood abuse. And grief is an enormous feelings issue. Thanks for this offering, Patricia.

Splinteredones talks about a topic near and dear to my heart: looking at the transformation from survivor to thriver. The post is called Peeking Around The Corner from Splinteredones's Blog. I'm so glad you're taking a look, Splinteredones!

Rising Rainbow presents Half Empty.........or Half Full posted at My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder, saying, "It's amazing how much power can come from a change in perspective." So true! Thanks for that insight, RR. And thanks for joining us for the carnival again!

I am so sad that April_Optimist from the wonderful, healing blog, The Thriver's Toolbox, has decided to quit blogging. But, I respect and understand her decision. She was one of the first bloggers I came across in the blogosphere who was really showing us survivors how to thrive. April was also one of the first boggers to participate in the blog carnival and now she says good bye to us all in her post, Thank You All. In her remarks, April said, "I realize I wrote this as a farewell for my own blog but maybe it makes sense to submit it for the carnival too--because I think it's important to know one can reach this point. All the things I've come to know I hope every survivor comes to know--especially that he or she matters." Thank you April, for all your contributions, and for saying goodbye. I wish you well as you continue on your Thriver's journey.

I love all the posts we get for the Healing & Therapy category. It really shows me how important this issue is (duh, right?), and how much we are all working at healing, and how far along the healing path we are all actually progressing. I especially love this post, with this great title, Just For Today from the Hope For Trauma blog. It really touched my heart. When submitting this post, Hope For Trauma commented, "I have found many things along this journey of healing. However, it is the moments of everyday that make it all worth it. Sometimes just taking a moment is what the journey is all about. "

Another Healing & Therapy post from Splinteredones called, Sitting at songha as Ego attacks, tells the painful truth. But, it also tells a powerful story of hope. I really appreciate your writing Splinteredones!

Mike McBride, returns from Child Abuse Survivor, with a post called The Importance of Fun. Doesn't that have a wonderful ring to it? We can easily get caught up in the struggles of therapy and day-to-day survival. So, it's important to remember to stop and treat ourselves to some fun. Thanks for that message, Mike!

Poetry

Our first poem was inadvertently left out of the May carnival when it bounced to the host's junk mail folder. I'm sure glad she checked that folder and forwarded it on to me. While this post contains a poem from Amy at the Amy K. Sorrells blog, it really touched me when she provided the background that explained her struggle with, then release and acceptance of...JOY. The post is called, Joy: Lilacs In The Rain. Go give it a read. It's refreshing!

Here's another poem that was meant for last month, but I'm glad to showcase it here. It's a truly sweet and beautiful poem by Hope For Trauma, who runs the blog of the same name. The poem is called Clouds & Rain.

Rising Rainbow gives us The Innocence of Black from her blog, My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder. When submitting, RR commented, "What I feared most actually held the answer to what I needed to know the most."

Rising Rainbow gives us another poem, The Distant Watcher from My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder. This time she remarks, "The logic of a child blames her feelings for selling her out because it's too painful to keep the blame pointing where it belongs." So true, RR. This is a classic survivor issue and I'm glad you could work through it in your poetry.

Brown-eyed Amazon, from the blog of the same name, is new to our carnival. Welcome, Brown-Eyed Amazon! Here, she presents a very moving and well-written poem called, Masquerading Angel. Please go check out the poem and leave a comment welcoming BEA to our carnival. Thanks!

And finally for Poetry, Brown-Eyed Amazon returns with a truly heart-felt and touching poem called His Little Girl posted at Brown-eyed amazon.

Advocacy & Awareness

Tracie tells us in her post from her blog From Tracie, that I Tell My Kid NOT to Obey Adults. She remarks, "This is something that I just happened to have scheduled to post today. I hope it works for the carnival. I'm so excited about it being the 4 year anniversary. Thanks for all the hard work you have done over the last 4 years. You are amazing!" I think your post is perfect for the carnival, Tracie, and I think YOU are amazing for teaching your child that she has the right to choose whether or not anyone touches her for any reason. Kudos!

I just love the post submitted from Kate at Kate 1975's blog! It's called her Links Page/Resources For Survivors and it's a super cool resource list that has all kinds of helpful links we can use. It's got some great articles linked, covering healing topics like self-esteem, grounding and comfort skills. There are also some lesser-known topics covered, such as clutter issues, mother-daughter sexual abuse and therapist abuse. What a lot of work you have done, Kate! And what a valuable resource. Thanks for providing it.

Aftermath

From his blog, Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, Dan L Hays talks about the importance of knowing when to say goodbye in, Know When to Fold 'Em. I think this is an especially important life skill for child abuse survivors to learn, as many of our parents and members of our families of origin are toxic. Dan says, "This post is about letting go when it's time, and how different people handle it differently. But there might come a time when it's just necessary to say 'goodbye!'"

Speaking of Dan, he was the original host for this month. With travel plans getting in the way, he and I could not come up with a Friday this month that would work for both of us. But, then I found out that this month marked four years of our carnival and this was to be our anniversary edition, so I was pleased with the outcome that I would host June and Dan will host coming up in September. Dan wants to do an Inner Child themed edition, which I think is a great idea! As many of you know, this is one of my favorite survivor/thriver topics to talk about.

I hope Colleen, from, Surviving by Grace, won't mind if I run her post now, as it is an Inner Child themed post. It's called Learning to Play and I think it's just wonderful! I'm so glad you've discovered the importance of play, Colleen! And, don't worry; there are lots of inner child topics to post about. I promise I'll help you with some ideas come September, if you need any. ;)

I was tempted to put this next submission under the poetry category, because it does, indeed, contain a poem. But, it is about a huge survivor aftermath issue: guilt. Therefore, I left it under this category where the blogger had submitted it. It comes from Leslie, at Leslie's Illusions, and it's called Ashes of Abuse: Guilt. Leslie is new to our carnival. Welcome, Leslie! About her post, Leslie says, "Though I did not mention it in this post, I am a survivor of childhood abuse. I'm grateful for the blogging world that enables me to connect and share with other survivors." And we are grateful that you are sharing and joining us for the carnival. Thanks, Leslie!

Protect Your Joy from Protect Your Joy's blog, talks about the important issue of Self-Injury and her achievement of being self-injury free for 50 days. Kudos to you, Protect Your Joy! Thanks for sharing with us. The post is called, When I'm The Assailant.

Survivor Stories

Rick Belden presents broken bones and the father wound posted at poetry, dreams, and the body, saying, "Hi Marj, I see that you're hosting this month. Don't know if you've chosen a theme yet, but I thought this post I wrote back in November might be timely with Father's Day coming up." Although we didn't do a specific Father's Day theme this month, Rick's post is certainly timely. I've always appreciated Rick's moving poetry. For this post--while it does contain a powerful poem--I also appreciate Rick sharing some commentary and background. Thanks, Rick!

Our next post was submitted by Virginia who writes for at Tamara's House, which is a residential healing facility for female survivors of childhood sexual abuse, located in Saskatchewan, Canada. Awesome! Welcome to the carnival, Tamara's House! In this post, A Survivor's Triumph, a survivor they call "Rain" tells her story as a past resident of this healing facility. Thank you for sharing.

Finally, Tracie--who was our wonderful host for the carnival in May--has the courage to tell her own poignant survivor story in: From Tracie: Tracie's Story posted at From Tracie.

That concludes this anniversary edition. I don't think we have any theme lined up yet, but the host for next month is Dr. Kathleen Young, Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago. Submit your blog article to the next edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse by using our carnival submission form. Thank you all for your wonderful support and participation. You are the ones who make this carnival a continued success! Now, go forth and click links, read, and leave supportive comments at these blogs, won't you? I know you will and I thank you!

Please Stand By

2010-06-18T22:03:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry, but I've just run out of time. The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, 4th Anniversary Edition will be delayed until Saturday morning. Sorry for the delay. Thank you for your patience.

Mudslides, Self-Care & Carnivals

2010-06-14T10:45:00.007-06:00

Another Update, June 16th: If you don't get your post in for the carnival quite on time, don't worry, it will still bounce to me and I'll get it in. I'm just so excited about the anniversary! ;)

Update Wednesday, June 16: I just realized as I was e-mailing the July carnival host with some details about next month's edition, that June marks the FOUR-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF OUR CARNIVAL! Can you believe it? I hardly could. I ran the very first edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse on June 19, 2006. Happy Anniversary to all of you who make this carnival possible and a continued success! Get those posts in! Maybe we can have 40 posts to help celebrate 4 years. Thanks, guys! :)

***

Hello, everyone. Well, I'm back from a family camping trip where just about everything that could go wrong, did. It was cold and rainy, so we decided to go sit in the local hot springs. They kicked us out of the pools because of lightening in the area. On our way back to the campground, our way was blocked because of a mudslide. Back, finally, at the campground, we couldn't get our lights to work because our batteries seemed to have lost their charge. (We've already replaced them once and we've owned this camper for less than a year.) After cooking and eating dinner in the dark, we decided to just head home (now that we knew the detour route and could get around the mudslide). On our way, our truck broke down and we had to have it towed.

I got a bit dissociative with all the disaster and chaos, but I managed to calm myself(ves) down and got back home without any major dissociative mishaps after a nice friend of ours drove the four hours to come retrieve us from where we were stranded without any rental car options.

Whew!

The good news is that I have been doing my no-calorie, morning walks four times a week and eating all the fresh, low-fat goodies I talked about in my last post. I've lost six pounds already and am feeling much better. My D.O. told me he thought I was on the right track with trying to manage my mild gall bladder symptoms with diet. That confirmation felt good. And, of course, the weight loss feels great, too!

Because of summer travel plans, I couldn't work out a June Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse date that worked for both me and the host I had lined up. So, I've decided I will just host the carnival here myself this week, before I leave to visit some friends next week. I think we'll just go with a no-theme version this time. But, don't forget our regular submission categories of: Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories.

So, I've set the deadline for midnight (Pacific Time, U.S.) Wednesday, 6/16 and I'll post the carnival on Friday, 6/18. I've already gotten several post submissions in already--thanks, guys! I also have some submissions from last month that went into the host's junk mail folder. Luckily, she found them (better late than never) and forwarded them on to me. So, if you didn't see your post in last month's edition, it will probably run this week. Here' the submission form you can use. Hope you can join us!

Living In The Body: The Trade-Offs Of Life

2010-05-26T09:49:00.004-06:00

I don't like to be a downer or complainer. And I'm afraid of being a hypochondriac like my mother. So, I don't talk about physical ailments much. But, lately, I've really been struggling physically. I don't know if it's simply part of getting older, going through perimenopause, or just getting used to being in my body, now that I don't constantly dissociate every bodily feeling away. It's probably a combination of things.

There are the on-going struggles. Some of them I find answers and solutions for. Other things, I may never figure out. In my child abuse recovery therapy, I get many body memories. I've gotten rather used to them and they seem to always pass eventually. However, I believe that I probably have some old injuries that I received during childhood torture that never received any medical attention.

There are the little, nagging things. This spring, for instance, my allergies have been driving me crazy! There are the things that I don't really want to have a doctor tell me about, because I don't want some crazy surgery suggested. Like, for instance my mysterious problem I have with swallowing sometimes. I've chalked this up to some kind of allergy reaction/flemmy thing and I simply try to control it with antihistamines and expectorants.

It is What It is by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com

Here's the trade-off part: The upside is that I'm much better now at comforting and nurturing my little inner child parts who get scared whenever there is any physical feeling of pain. I don't automatically turn to dissociation and ignore what my body is trying to tell me. I used to have an extremely high tolerance for pain. Take, for example, the fact that I had my son without any drugs or pain medication whatsoever...even though he was flipped and I had back labor! I used to ignore anything my body was trying to tell me.

I take much better care of myself than I used to. I don't work myself until I literally drop any more. I hardly ever drink coffee these days. I don't overindulge in alcohol and I no longer smoke. I get outside and move my body with regular exercise. I'm not on any prescription medications and I take some really great natural supplements.

...On the other hand...

Now that I'm more consistently in my body, there are a lot of things I notice that hurt! Over the last four years, I've fallen during biking and skiing accidents and broke ribs on both sides. I had some skin cancer removed from my face. I've dealt with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome in my right shoulder and arm and avoided surgery (thank goodness).

I've been struggling with this perimenopause over about eight years now. All of my female relatives, including my twin, have had hysterectomies, so I don't know how this is supposed to go. But, I feel embarrassed to say that it has not gone smoothly for me. I've gotten the hot flashes and night sweats somewhat under control, but my periods are now very troublesome. I won't go into the gory details, but I've really had to work on my anemia and I've had a lot of monthly pain and PMS symptoms. I try to deal with it naturally, but I have gotten consultations from two different medical doctors. One just told me to take lots of Ibuprofen and the other ran some blood tests and simply stated that my hormone levels were "within normal limits."

Now, my D.O. says I have tendinitis ("tennis elbow") from the repetitive actions of my hours at the drawing table working on my botanical illustration. The pain and weakness in my right arm would get so bad sometimes, that I would go to pick something up (maybe even something as small as a coffee cup) and I'd almost drop it! I'd have to steady the object quickly with my left hand. I'm taking lots of breaks from the desk and drawing table, and I'm doing stretches and taking a supplement that all seem to be helping somewhat with that.

The nagging pain that I haven't been able to get consistent relief on is in my back, between my shoulder blades. My D.O. and my massage therapist have helped me get only fleeting relief here. After a night where I slept very little-- because of extreme discomfort and bloating feeling...and feeling like the food I had eaten that day (this was Sunday) just didn't seem to be digesting or moving in the right direction--I did a little on-line research. I think I've come to the conclusion that I've got some gall bladder problems. I'm a good candidate for it: my grandfather had his gall bladder removed. My mother is morbidly obese and has diabetes. I'm not sure if she's had her gall bladder out or not, but it wouldn't surprise me.

I'm sure it's no big news to anyone who knows about my abusive and neglected childhood that I was not taught any healthy eating habits. I have a terrible sweet tooth. I can get off smoking, drinking and coffee easier than I can get off of my addiction to sugar, carbs and fattening foods. I have been using them--eating "comfort foods"--way too much ever since I started the therapy marathon for my dissociative disorder back in October.

I was complaining recently to my D.O. that, even with the weather improving and getting out and getting a lot more exercise lately, I haven't lost any weight. (I have about 20 pounds I'd like to get rid of.) He suggested that I go out first thing in the morning, before I've had any calories, and take a brisk walk for an hour. In this way, my body has no other choice but to burn fat for its fuel. Brilliant, right? I thought so and I've started doing this three-to-five times a week. I enjoy it and it feels great, but I haven't lost anything yet. This bloaty feeling continues to bother me and I was floored to see on several sites online that gall bladder symptoms can cause this pain between the shoulder blades! Uh oh!

I've got an appointment with my D.O. next week and I'll talk to him about my suspicions. I'd like to try to get it under control with diet (and exercise) and avoid surgery if at all possible. In my research, I noticed that a lot of foods that are recommended for a healthy gall bladder and a lot of foods you are supposed to avoid are similar to the colon cleanse and diet I did three years ago when I lost 18 pounds. I don't think it can hurt, and it certainly might help. At the very least, maybe I'll lose some of that weight and not feel so bloated all the time. If you read this here post and comments from three years ago, you'll see that I enjoyed some of those results then.

I discovered that there are some specific gall bladder cleanses/flushes I can try, too. But, I'm not going to launch into any of those before I talk to a doctor.

For now, I've been shopping for lots of organic items at the health food store and I've got a diet plan. I'm going to cut out all dairy except for low-fat cottage cheese. No more butter and no more ice cream! I'm going to limit bread to only whole-sprouted grain types. No more baked goods like cookies and cinnamon rolls!

I'm going to eat lots of leafy greens and vegetables (avoiding the tooty cabbage family) with organic olive oil, apple cider vinegar and lemon on my salads for dressing. I'm eating fruits like apples, pears and apricots, with yummy berries for a treat. I'm going to severely limit my intake of meat (I never eat much anyway) and emphasize cold-water fish like salmon and trout with lots of Omega 3's. For some reason, several of the sites I looked at suggested eliminating or limiting fowl. I usually eat a lot of chicken, but I'll try this for a while.

I've switched from my black tea in the morning to green tea. I'm drinking lots of fresh-pressed carrot, apple and grape juice, as well as soothing chamomile tea. And, of course, I'm drinking lots of water. I have to admit, over the last several months, I had kinda gotten out of the habit of drinking as much water as I usually try to.

Thankfully, I'm just at the right time of the year to really be successful at this. There are so many choices of fresh fruits and vegetables coming into the stores right now. And we're signed up to receive a box every week from a local, natural grower here in Colorado. Also, I will have my organic herb and vegetable garden plot, as usual, this summer. I'm going to try to emphasize the organic choices even more than I usually do. Something I read said that herbicides and pesticides really wreak havoc on the gall bladder. That just sounds like a good idea to me.

If you've listened to/read all of this so far, I thank you for your compassion and understanding. I really don't mean to be a complainer. Being all negative and judgmental doesn't serve me well. I really am grateful, overall. Other than the IBS that I continue to work to control, I don't suffer with a lot of common ailments and disorders that many of us survivors have to live with. I don't have lupus or fibromyalgia. I get migraines from time to time, but not often. Although I'm struggling with a perimenopause that is not worry-free, I still have all my female organs intact. I'm a little chunky, but I don't have any full-blown eating disorders.

I am counting my blessings. And I hope to have even more to count and report back to you before I leave for our summer vacation at the end of June. In the meantime, I've gotten behind on a lot of things. I hope to finish my final botanical illustration plate in my Colored Pencil II class this week. After that, I'll be taking two months off from my classes. My backyard landscape project has been almost at a standstill, but I'm determined to finish it on my three-year plan--which means this summer. I've got to hurry and get some plants in the ground before it gets too hot.

I will continue to keep the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse up and running on a monthly basis. But, I am behind on many interview and guest blog requests and things of that nature. I shouldn't keep promising when I think I'll be caught up on those, so I won't right now. I even got a cute award with a meme attached from my dear friend Katie recently, and I had hoped to pass that along. I'm not sure when I'll get to it. I'm just going to try to stick to this diet and exercise routine and get to feeling physically better. That's my first priority. I hope that all of you are well and working your way over to the thriving end of the Survivors-Can-Thrive spectrum. I have the utmost compassion for all of you, to, you know. And I'll try to get around to some of your blogs soon.

Blog Carnival: Hope & Joy Edition

2010-05-17T16:21:00.007-06:00

FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2010 & THE CARNIVAL EDITION IS UP!

Tracie must have stayed up late, because she's already got our Hope & Joy Carnival up. Amazing! I'm glad we extended the deadline, because we got some more folks to join us at the last minute. It is now officially huge! There are over 30 posts in there. Wowie Kazowie! We've got a nice selection of posts under the Hope & Joy theme and some neat stuff to look at in our new Art Therapy category.

I can't thank you all enough for your continued support, contribution, promotion and enthusiasm of and for this awareness-raising carnival. I just love our survivor solidarity and community! :)

YET ANOTHER UPDATE, THURSDAY 5/20/10: Well, Blog Carnival dot com is back up and running now. I checked myself with my own submission and see that the form is now working as well. I just heard back from this month's host, and we've agreed to extend the deadline until midnight TONIGHT. Thank you all for you patience and perseverance. And thank you, Tracie, for being such a committed, patient and hard-working host--and for the first time hosting, too. Wow! :)

*****
Update: Wednesday, May 19, 2010: I do not know the cause, but apparently the website at Blog Carnival dot com is down. I can't get the widget on my sidebar to load, the submission form doesn't work, and I cannot get to the BC dot com home page. This has happened once before and they got everything up and running again fairly quickly. This time, it seems to be taking a bit longer. I don't know what the problem is or when it will be fixed. I'm sorry for the confusion and inconvenience. I will be in touch as information becomes available. Thank you for your patience.

On Friday, (That's this Friday, May 21) Tracie will be hosting our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. She's just coming off of a weekend blog-a-thon, so I know she's tired. But, I think she's pumped, too! She's pumped with advocacy, awareness, doing good and changing the world. What perfect timing. I just know she'll be a great host.

She's chosen Hope & Joy for the theme for this month's edition. I told her that I thought this was timely, because I've really been experiencing some moments of pure, lighthearted joy this spring. If you're a survivor who's been through phases where those moments are quite few and far between like I have (and what survivor hasn't, really?), you know how much I appreciate these precious little moments.

What precious moments bring you joy and hope for a better tomorrow? In her announcement post for this carnival, Tracie said, "What is your hope, what do you hold onto when the healing path gets dark and it is hard to hang on much longer? What is your joy, what makes you smile and dance and laugh, even in the midst of pain? I fully believe that as survivors it is important to share our stories and our pains and our troubles. In this sharing we find a community, we find help and understanding, which is an important part of healing. We also need to share our hopes and joys, we need to give them freely to other survivors who may have lost sight of theirs."

The deadline is Wednesday, 5/19, midnight Pacific time (U.S.) for the Friday edition. In addition to the "Hope and Joy" theme, we still have our regular submission categories of Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry, and Survivor Stories. You can use this submission form here. Thanks, in advance for joining us and spreading the hope and joy! :)

Following Those Dreams!

2010-05-02T20:17:00.004-06:00

Still busy away from the blogosphere working on my botanical illustration. If you look closely, you can see the work I did recently in my colored pencil I class. My piece is the one with the four objects "pointing" at each other: the brown seed pod, the orange pepper, the onion and the tamatillo.

This was featured on the April 27th post at the botanical illustration program's blog: http://www.botanicalillustration.blogspot.com/

If you go to that link, you can see the work a little bigger. I'm still a cyber klutz when it comes to embedding photos and stuff on this blog. :P But, I was so excited to see this there! Just think how excited I'll be when I enter my first show or sell something or get a commission. Something to look forward to. It is so nice to be dreaming again...and following those dreams.

Hope you are all well. I'll try to get around to all of your blogs soon.

Along The Path Of Healing: Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2010-04-21T15:48:00.003-06:00

UPDATE, FRIDAY, APRIL 23: Enola has the April "Along The Path of Healing" edition of the blog carnival up! It is great. There are about 20 posts in there and lots of inspiration about healing and becoming whole after abuse. Please go on over, check out the posts and leave comments. Thanks to all the brave bloggers who participated this month and thanks to Enola for once again hosting our carnival and coming up with a great theme!

Enola is hosting our blog carnival for us again. Hooray, Enola! She has thought of a wonderful theme for this month: Along The Path Of Healing. About this themed edition, Enola says, "I've noticed that through my progress in recovery from child abuse, I've tended to align myself with others that are similarly situated along the path of the healing process. This is not a bad thing, but sometimes it helps to read posts from others that are at different stages than you. Whether it reminds you how far you've come or gives you hope to continue plugging along, reading about others' healing journeys can be inspirational."

So, this month, we want to hear about your healing process. Just what does healing mean to you? What does being "healed" look like to you? Enter the blog carnival this month and let's talk about it, shall we? Here's the submission form: http://blogcarnival.com/bc/submit_355.html

When It Rains It Pours

2010-04-07T16:44:00.003-06:00

Didn't we all learn, back in school, that April showers bring May flowers? Well, April is also a big awareness raising, advocacy month. Did you know that April is Child Abuse Prevention Month AND Sexual Assault Awareness Month? These are two advocacy issues that are near and dear to my heart. Even if they are not so near to yours, I ask you to do something this month to raise your awareness, break the silence, silence the shame, volunteer or advocate to stop the violence.

If nothing else, why not look at one of these videos. I found them both to be extremely powerful and moving. I want to thank Tracie for her tweet over at Twitter for the first video. Amazing!

Aware AND Alive: Finding Joy

2010-03-29T11:05:00.007-06:00

Hey, folks. I'm back from Spring Break. We couldn't afford to fly anywhere this year and my husband wanted to save money by camping instead of staying in a hotel. I was afraid we were going to freeze our buns off! We had to drive all the way down to Sedona, AZ to find some sunshine and warmth, but it was worth the long road trip. We camped in Oak Creek Canyon where it was gorgeous. I've never slept so well on a camping trip. The sound of the creek was a wonderful lullaby!

A Magical, Healing Hug by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com

Now that I'm back, I'm reading the posts in this month's Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Mike at Child Abuse Survivor had such a wonderful idea. To help celebrate his Irish heritage and the Irish humor he so appreciates, Mike set up a theme for this edition of humor, joy and survivors finding happiness.

You know, child abuse is such a serious subject and we do need to be warriors fighting against it, raising awareness and working for prevention and recovery. But, we can also celebrate survivors finding joy, humor and a sense of wholeness and happiness. That's the whole reason I decided a long time ago to name my dot com site and my blog Survivors Can Thrive! Don't we all want to emerge from surviving and start thriving in our lives? Sometimes, while I'm down in the trenches of my own recovery, working on my healing, I forget that. Thanks for the reminder, Mike!

Yes, thanks indeed, Mike, for coming up with such an inspired theme. I am smiling reading these posts. I so appreciate our survivor solidarity where we can share our sorrows and our joys. Thanks to all for participating and thank you, in advance, for going to the carnival, reading and sharing your comments on the posts. You'll be glad you stopped by. Go get a smile! :)

Shamrocks, Carnivals & Spring Breaks

2010-03-21T10:56:00.002-06:00

Happy spring, everybody! I don't know about you, but this has been a looooong winter for me. I am so happy to see the crocuses blooming!

I'm about to go out of town for a little road trip to celebrate my son's Spring Break. But, before I go, I wanted to make sure to let you all know about our next edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Mike, at Child Abuse Survivor, has graciously offered to host for us once again. I think he chose March as the month for him to host this year because he is Irish. And March is , of course, when we celebrate for, with and about our Irish friends with St. Patrick's Day. About this edition Mike said:

"I’ll be hosting the March edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse later this month, and given my own Irish heritage, and this being the month we celebrate the Irish with St. Patrick’s Day, I thought it would be appropriate to make the theme of this year one that speaks to the Irish part of me. Historically, Ireland has been a country of misery, and the Irish people have suffered oppression, famine, civil war, poverty... Yet, through it all, they maintain a sense of humor and know how to have a good time! I’ve always thought, as a survivor, that healing requires a little bit of that. In the midst of my worst days of trying to cope, I found that having those little moments of joy to look forward to, made it just a little bit easier. So, as part of this month’s carnival...I want to hear about how, as a survivor, you’ve managed to find the joy in life and have a good time! We’ll call it the “Life is Grand” category."

Of course, we will also have our regular submission categories of: Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Art Therapy, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. But, this month, Mike wants to hear some blog post stories about overcoming with joy and a sense of humor. I like his idea. It's inspired, isn't it? So, be thinking about this months' theme, won't you? The deadline for this month's edition is Wednesday, March 24. Our carnival edition will post over at Mike's blog on Friday, March 26. You can use this submission form here to send in a post. Thank you all for your continued support and involvement in our blog carnival!

Women Changing The World For Our Children

2010-03-08T17:47:00.003-07:00

Today is International Women's Day! Did you know?

As I was tweeting about it over at Twitter, I discovered a great article in the Huffington Post: International Women's Day: 11 Women Who Are Changing The World.

In this article, I learned that some of these women are changing the world through important child abuse prevention issues. Now that's some news I love to hear some coverage about!

First, there's Nujood Ali, a 12-year-old girl from Yemen. When she was only 10 years old, she was forced to marry a man in his 30's. Of course, Nujood's new husband forced himself on her. But, one day she was able to sneak away from her new "home" and go to the courthouse and request a divorce. She was successful at obtaining the divorce and now has returned to her family and her studies at school. She now has the chance to continue her childhood. She has written a book about her victory called, I am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced.

Then there's Waris Dirie, a supermodel and best-selling author who was born in the Somali desert and underwent genital mutilation at the young age of five. Now she is a tireless spokesperson and advocate working to end genital mutilation of girls. You can visit the website for her foundation here.

Next, meet Somaly Mam. Born into extreme poverty in Cambodia, Somaly was sold into sexual slavery as a child. Since escaping her captors, she has dedicated her life to helping other victims of human trafficking. Somaly's foundation helps human trafficking victims escape their plight and build the emotional and economic strength they need to build a future for themselves.

Finally, of Huffington's "11 Women Changing The World," I want to mention Eve Ensler. You may know her from her award-winning play, The Vagina Monologues. Eve is the founder of V-Day, a global movement to stop violence against women and girls. It's the perfect nonprofit to end my post with, as it raises awareness in the fight to stop many of the issues I've already mentioned including: rape, incest, female genital mutilation and sexual slavery.

Well, I'm done with the 11 Women Changing The World list for International Women's Day, but I'm not quite done with my post yet. I want to point out a couple of organizations that I get updates from on a daily basis, year round (not just on International Women's Day). These nonprofits are always calling attention to ways in which we can empower women to end the abuse of children.

One of my favorites--that I've been supporting for some time--is Equality Now. Right now, Equality Now is raising awareness and helping victims in these areas: girls sold into the sex trade in India; girls raped by their teachers in Zambia; and female genital mutilation in Somalia.

And last--but certainly not least--I support Women Thrive Worldwide. This is the organization I follow over at Twitter that told me today was International Women's Day in the first place! Many of the issues involving children that I've just discussed thrive in our world's poverty. Women Thrive Worldwide works to shape the U.S. policies that help women lift themselves and their families out of poverty. Click here to find information to help you urge your senator to support the GROWTH--Global Resources and Opportunities for Women to Thrive--Act.

Thanks for reading, clicking, linking and acting to support women changing the world for our children. And happy International Women's Day!

Allowing Myself To Dream Again

2010-03-02T09:25:00.006-07:00

Hey, everybody. Sorry I haven't been around the blogosphere all that much as of late. But, one of the main reasons I've been distracted is a good thing. As some of you may know, I'm working on achieving my certificate in botanical illustration.

Dream Job: Botanical Illustrator by MarjakaThriver(on break) on Polyvore.com

I am really enjoying it. My T really likes this for me as she says that it really helps me with my level of competency and self-esteem. I agree. It is also so freeing to dream again. For such a long time, I've felt like recovery, healing, therapy--those things were my full-time job. Now, I feel like some of my old talents and skills have returned and I'm enjoying practicing those things. My undergraduate degree is in commercial art. From the beginning--as an art major in college--I wanted to be an illustrator.

But, I also knew I did not want to be a "starving artist." Therefore, I went to work in Chicago in advertising and corporate communications until all hell broke loose. I got married, got laid off, had a baby and started working on my recovery from child abuse.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm coming out of a long nightmare. It feels wonderful to be dreaming again. It feels even better to be working toward making my dream come true! What dreams do you have that you're working on to make reality?

New Host: 30 Posts!

2010-02-22T09:03:00.003-07:00

Sorry for the delay in this announcement, folks. I spent the weekend with the stomach flu. Yuck! The two-year-old that I watch once a week has started going to daycare now. She picks everything up there and then passes it on to me. *sigh*

What I wanted to tell you about is how impressed I am with IK over at Issue Knitting. She's a first-time Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse host and she's done a fabulous job of organizing 30 submissions for our February edition. The theme is birthdays and it's IK's birthday, too! So, go on over and click on the links, do some reading, leave some supportive comments and say "Happy Birthday" to IK, won't you? Thanks for your support and survivor solidarity!

A Part Is Born

2010-02-17T13:49:00.003-07:00

Well, I was going to write about eugenics and explore "what if I had never been born" for the birthday-themed Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse this month.

TRIGGER WARNING! Some examples of dissociative outbursts and child abuse ahead. Please stay safe.

But, I had what felt like a set-back the other day. I got really triggered and reacted violently. I spent almost a whole day disparaging myself and even had some self-harm return. I tried so hard to pull myself back, but felt so out of control. I pulled out every grounding trick in the book. I did grounding exercises I haven't even thought of in years. But, it still took me about 24 hours to feel like myself again.

I was really disappointed because I allowed some behaviors to come out that I thought I had contracted against with various parts. I've discovered--and begun to work with--two new parts in the last few weeks. Maybe this is yet another new part who has no such contract with me. I'm not sure.

This got me wondering. Just how is a part "born" anyway? Mine seem to have come about for a whole plethora of reasons. Some are like full-fledged personalities and have tried to run away and start their own lives or have pushed me aside and tried to live life their own way with me out of the way, so to speak.

Some parts have very well-defined roles. Many of these roles are quite dysfunctional for my life now, so I've had to define and assign new roles to some parts. Other parts are what my T refers to as "partial splits," without much of a fleshed-out personality of their own at all. These splits seem to have come about for very specific, time-limited functions designed to keep me alive in my childhood's life-threatening situations.

For example, the first part I ever heard of by name--this was three years ago--was Nina. I was told she "comes out when we're in the shower." If you've ever read the account on my dot com site called, "A Fear Of Plastic Shower Curtains," You can understand why my helpless child self might have wanted to create a part just to take over when I need to take a shower. I haven't worked specifically with Nina via any kind of dialogue, but I have done EMDR on the shower torture incidents and I've done a lot of comforting and self-care work in therapy around this daily hygiene challenge.

In the very first chapter of The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook, Deborah Bray Haddock explains, "In systems where extreme splitting occurs, clients report a host of personality fragments created to do specific tasks, such as cooking, cleaning the house or going to school. Once the task is performed, the fragment becomes inactive."

In the book, The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization, the authors talk about "a fragment that has only a minimal set of response patterns to stimuli, life history, and range of emotion/affect but has knowledge for a short period of time." They go on to say that the actions of some of these fragments are very specialized. "Some...have a very specific purpose during traumatization."

In my case, I have another split or fragment, that I don't have a name for, who came about for the sole purpose of helping me hold my breath for a long time when my father would try to drown me in the bath water. I don't know much about these partial splits or fragments, but it makes sense to me that they would not be very developed if their survival purpose was quite distinct and unique to specific situations that I don't repeatedly come across throughout the day as I go about the business of life.

Then, I have some parts who I have named--or labeled--to match their functions. These functions are more broad than the two I've just mentioned, but still don't lead these labeled parts to control the body for any great length of time. There's Sentry, who I first started getting cooperation with in March of 2007. He was a great help to me when some creep followed me on the streets of Chicago once. Sentry is not afraid to get in any one's face in order to protect me. Unfortunately, he was getting up in peoples faces in inappropriate ways that didn't match present-day situations. So, I had to contract with him to stay located in an internal lighthouse and only "come to the rescue" if some stranger approaches me in a dark parking lot, or something like that.

I have another part I call Serena. But, she's not so much serene as she is still. That is, literally, her role: She keeps the body still so that there can be no self-harm or suicide attempts. I haven't felt her around much lately, but I sure coulda used her the other day when I slapped myself in the face seven or eight times. Luckily, I was able to stop myself rather quickly and vowed to engage in no further self-injury, even without any obvious help from Serena.

Whether my part splits are currently helpful in my day-to-day life, or the actions of these fragments are now dysfunctional for me as an adult living in a safe environment, I'm glad I'm learning about them. For a while, I was convinced that unless I found a part who had a high degree of autonomy and emancipation, I wasn't dealing with dissociated pieces of myself. This is one of the reasons why the "Man, I must be crazy" attitude persisted with me for such a long time.

If you are a dissociative child abuse survivor who is uncovering less complex personality fragments and doubting your diagnosis (or your sanity), I encourage you to read the two books I've mentioned in this post. There's a reason why even your smallest, simplest parts were "born" and you very well may be alive today because of them. So, even if I don't have a name for one of these partial personality fragments, I still make it a point to thank them. They helped keep me safe, they helped me stay sane.

New Hosts Make The Carnival Go 'Round!

2010-02-10T09:00:00.007-07:00

I want to introduce you to a new host for our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. She will be hosting for February at Issue Knitting. We call her IK and she's not only hosting this month, she also celebrates her birthday this time of year. For this reason, we will be using a birthday theme for this carnival edition.

Here's what IK says: "As this month is the month of my birthday, I am suggesting birthdays as a theme. Birthdays are a reminder of our entrance into this world. Thus, birthdays may have an effect on abuse or the healing from such abuse. For me, birthdays have a bittersweet impression because of this. Additional tension and conflict during birthdays, resentment and guilt doled out, and a gratitude for being alive are all associated to birthdays for me. By no means is one required to submit something birthday-related. All are welcome!"

As usual, we still have our regular categories for submission as well: Survivor Stories, Poetry, Art Therapy, In The News, Healing & Therapy, Advocacy & Awareness and Aftermath.

But, I gotta tell ya, I really started thinking about this birthday theme. I think it must have been synchronicity; I go for months on end without attending church and then this past weekend, I not only went to a church retreat for women, but I also did a reading on Sunday morning. The topic Sunday was eugenics. The reason I was appropriate to do a reading is because I was one of the people attending church the day they asked for volunteers who had a parent who was diagnosed with a mental illness before they had children. This topic really got me thinking about what it would be like if I had never been born. So, I'll be writing a post about this and submitting it for the carnival.

Won't you please submit something, too? It doesn't have to be anything related to the theme, nor does it have to be a newly-created post. Just find something and send it in, won't you? I really want us all to support our new hosts. If I was limited to participating bloggers who have so generously hosted multiple times, we'd all have quite a bit of work to commit to each year, with twelve carnival editions to publish. New hosts are the lifeblood of this carnival. They do, indeed, make our Carnival Against Child Abuse go 'round!

The deadline for this month's carnival is Wednesday, February 17 and IK will have the edition up on Friday, 2/19. You can link to the submission form here.

I'm So Vain, I Probably Think This Blog Is About Me

2010-02-03T10:53:00.003-07:00

Here's a question you probably wouldn't expect lil' ol' cyber klutz me to ask: Have you ever looked up your blog's page rank or link popularity? I have to admit, in the early days of my blog I did this quite regularly. You see, I don't have a tracker on my blog. The closest thing I have is the map you see on the sidebar down there; I think it's fun to see where in the world people are coming from to view my blog. But, if you don't leave a comment here, I don't know you've come by other than the red dot that forms on that map, indicating your general location.

Often times, I find that people are linking to me and they've never left a comment on my blog before. So, in the early days, I would look up my links, then I'd give a reciprocal link back and build up my blogroll. This was back in the days when you could get a lot more, up-to-date, specific information about your blog links over at Technorati and before Marketleap started charging fees for their services. I have to admit, I was pretty excited, back in 2006, when my blog was in the top 50,000 blogs for a brief period of time!

I also have to admit that my blogroll got so long, that I really didn't pay it much attention for a while. Couple the huge blogroll with the fall-into-winter therapy marathon that just ended, and I think it's fair to say that my blog (and my dot com site) were a bit neglected for a while.

Well, I decided to go over to Survivors Can Thrive! and do some updating on my dot com site, and I also decided to update some things on the template of this blog. At the same time, just for the heck of it, I decided to look at my page rank for the first time in a long while. I'm not gonna lie to you: I was pretty disappointed to see how far my blog's rank has fallen. I'm a bit worried--to be honest--that it's threatening to fall off the bloggy radar altogether.

I know how fast things change in the cyber world. Folks just stop blogging all the time. Folks change their blogs and start up new ones. I know there are some blogger folks who I've linked to for quite a while who don't have links on their blogs--no blogroll. I knew that I wasn't getting any link popularity from those folks who weren't linking to me (duh! I'm not that much of a cyber klutz). But, what I didn't know until recently is that, when I link to a blog that does not link back to me, it actually "drains" my blog rank, so to speak. Here's an article that explains it. It's pretty complicated, but there were a few things I got that really stood out and that was one of them.

In case you're interested, here are a couple more links that you can use to research your page rank and link popularity for your own blog.

I still don't think I'm going to put a site counter on my blog--that would just make me too crazy. But, maybe I am just vain enough that I don't want to see my blog completely fall off the bloggy radar. So, I have taken some links off my sidebar to blogs who aren't linking to me. If you find that one of these is your blog, please don't take it personally. I will still follow your blog with Google Friend Connect, if you have that feature. I will follow you over at Twitter if you ask me to, invite you to The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, visit your blog and comment there. If you are listed over at BlogCatalog, or Technorati, I will certainly fave you or add you as a friend. Just ask.

Oh, and another thing: I have a lot of links in the Resources section of my dot com site, as well. My dot com site is another story. I do have a tracker over there that comes with the paid-for, monthly web host service. (I try to stay away from it as much as I can, but look at it occasionally.)

In the link department, I've got some biggies listed there. I've got book titles linked to Amazon, and I've got websites like the Sidran and EMDR institutes, ChildHelp USA and so on. These big agencies have never linked to me, so I guess that's why my dot com site has never ranked high. I'm not so concerned about that; I just want it to be available to anyone who wants to use it as a resource. And if you have anything that you think would be helpful to link as a resource under my pages of Books, Survivor Support, Advocacy & Abuse Prevention, Treatment & Research, or Survivor Issues, let me know and I'll look into adding you there.

But, here at my blog is where I run The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse every month. So many of us have been involved in this important awareness-raising carnival since 2006 and I want it to stay as visible as possible. So, please don't chalk it up to vanity that I'm looking at my page rank and making some adjustments. And, please do let me know if you get a link up to me and I'll be happy to reciprocate, as usual. And one last thing: If you see that you don't have a link on my sidebar and you don't know why, don't be shy; ask me about it. I may have had a dissociative or plain ol' spacey moment and it might just be an oversight.

So Much More Than A "Last-Minute" Carnival!

2010-01-29T11:37:00.002-07:00

I cannot begin to thank Paul at Mind Parts enough for stepping in at the end of the month here to do a January edition of our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Whew! What a life-saver. Thanks, Paul!

As it turned out, this is quite a large carnival, with almost 30 posts! We have a dozen posts in the Healing & Therapy category, alone. I'm impressed by that. I always like to see a lot of posts in this area because it gives me hope and inspiration that we survivors are all, indeed, healing. A great reminder. Thanks for your participation, everyone.

And huge kudos go out to Paul for organizing this so well. It's Paul's second time hosting the carnival, and he's a fantastic host. I also love Paul's description and expressed purpose of the carnival in his opening paragraph. He says, "The purpose of the Carnival is to be a place where important posts are shared with others who may not be frequent readers of an author's blog. I, myself, have realized that I cannot follow all the blogs I want to follow, so the monthly Carnival gives me a chance to see what else is out there. There are so many wonderful bloggers and you are all doing a wonderful service not only to yourselves, but to the cause of ending child abuse and recovering from child abuse." This is one of the great reasons why I founded and continue to organize this carnival and try my best to keep it running every month. Very well said, Paul!

Butterfly Ferris Wheel by MarjakaThriver:( spent :( on Polyvore.com

Won't you please visit this month's carnival edition, click on the links, read the posts and leave supportive comments for our courageous participating bloggers? Also, I want to thank everyone who has responded thus far to my request for carnival hosts for 2010. I have several monthly slots filled in now, but could still use some host volunteers for the summer and fall months. Be thinking about this opportunity, won't you? Thanks, everyone! You and your continued support are always appreciated!

Oh, and one more thing. I got a few posts that came in after the deadline for today's edition. I want to assure you that these will be saved and passed along to our next host, Issue Knitting, who will organize February's edition on 2/19. So, see ya then!

Trauma Processing, Therapy & Counseling

2010-01-26T08:38:00.004-07:00

I know a lot of us out here in the blogosphere have a "T;" a therapist we go to once a week, once a month, whenever. Some, like me, go through "therapy marathons," opting to go to T two or three times a week instead of going into the hospital for really intense processing work.

I've been in some form of therapy or another now, on a somewhat regular basis, for almost 20 years. Now, wait. Stay with me. Some of you who are rather new to therapy may be ready to shriek, "Eek! I'm outta here! I don't want to be in therapy that long! Who wants to be in therapy forever?!" I want to tell you that I'm one of the many unfortunate survivors who floundered around in the mental health system with an inadequate diagnosis for years. I didn't find out how severe my dissociative disorder was until just three years ago.

I didn't even know I had PTSD until after we moved to Colorado, less than a dozen years ago. My first official diagnosis was bipolar and I was put on Prozac. I have to give my first psychiatrist credit: He actually apologized to me a few years later and reversed my diagnosis. He told me that, while I had depressive episodes, my depression was situational, not cyclical. I wouldn't find out until just a year ago that what looks like "mania" on some occasions is actually the m.o. of one of my "let's-get-it-done-yesterday" parts.

Currently, I'm working with a woman who has over 20 years of experience working with dissociative patients. She's the "only game in town:" I'd have to drive over an hour each way to see another dissociative expert T in my state. I'm lucky to have her. Overall, I'm making tremendous progress with her. I've had no dissociative fugues or huge dissociative switching incidents that have been disruptive for over a year. I'm learning how to let some of my parts with even the toughest exteriors feel safe enough to have feelings and show their pain. I've given new "jobs" and crafted contracts with parts who I used to call "punishers." Now, we can talk about what they are protecting and what they are truly concerned about, instead of jumping to the dysfunctional reaction of self-harm. Just in the last few months, My T's told me she's even starting to see some--dare I hope it, much less say it?--integration. Hooray!

Before my current T, I was with an expert in traumatic stress and we made great inroads on trauma processing and getting my PTSD under control. I learned very useful grounding techniques and was able to vastly decrease my amount of nightmares and flashbacks. He also helped me learn how to greatly reduce my hyper vigilance and automatic startle response reactions. Heck, I can even go to a restaurant now and not be concerned about exactly where the exit (the escape route) is. I can sit at a table in a chair that is not backed up against the wall.

So, as you can see, I am grateful for my progress. I feel like I "shouldn't" complain. But, with all this great therapy "stuff," all the techniques the last two therapists I've had have pulled out of their well-educated and experienced bags of tricks, I feel like I'm missing something. What I miss, what I crave is counseling.

Does anybody out there know what I mean or feel the same way? Let me tell you what I'm talking about in my own experience. I know that some therapists do, indeed, give counseling because I had one--out of the many I've seen--who actually counseled me once. It was over a dozen years ago, back in Illinois, when I worked with her. I was a little put off, at first, by how "new-agey" she was, but I was immediately impressed by how compassionate and how spiritual (without being religious) she was, and by how much she cared. She also had great therapy techniques and ideas. But, what really moved me was her caring. Because she cared about me so much, she was very successfully able to counsel me on things that effected my day-to-day life. When I went in to see her for a session, we not only talked about my childhood abuse and my dysfunctional ways of coping; we could talk about anything.

I was so impressed with her and felt that her skills, empathy and advice were so needed, I drove three hours each way to see her!

Since that time--while I've had successful therapy and trauma processing sessions that could probably be sited in clinical training or published in some researcher's book--I've had very little counseling. I have a husband who is an only child and has lost both of his parents to cancer. Yet, I have no counselor to talk to about it (or really anything about my relationship with my spouse). I have a son who screamed at the top of his lungs with "colic" for seven months as an infant and now struggles with sensory integration, dyslexia and ADHD symptoms and has "twice-gifted" status at a school that does not meet his needs. Yet, I have nobody to counsel me on how to be the best parent I can be and how to squeeze out that last drop of patience and unconditional love I want to provide for him.

I understand that, when Mom is huddled in the closet in the fetal position or running away in dissociative fugues, PTSD and dissociative disorder therapy has to be the first priority. But, can't I ask for more? I'd like to have some counseling in the area of relationships.

In addition to me, my husband, son and sister each have their own individual therapists. My husband and son and I have gone to family counseling together. But, I have received next to nothing that I have found helpful or useful when I have asked either of my last two therapists to counsel me on my relationships with my husband, sister or son. Shouldn't the T I currently see, for up to four-and-a-half hours some weeks, be able to give me some useful advice on my current relationships? Aren't human relationships really what this life is about? I don't think the goal of all my hard work and intense therapy has been so I can be happier alone, living like a hermit in a bubble somewhere. I think it's been so that I can live my life in-relationship-with-beloved-others in a more functional, healthy, loving way.

Why do I feel sometimes--during the last eight years--that the only therapeutic success I've made is for some clinical study, or done in some cold, sterile research lab? Why do I keep feeling like I'm coming up against some "all-or-nothing" type of strategy? Can't I experience a more balanced approach?

I'll probably tell you about my therapy appointment from last week that prompted this line of bloggy questioning. But, for now, I wanted to publish a more balanced post, instead of just a rant. In the meantime, feel free to share your own experience in comments. Tell me what you think.

To Write Love On Her Arms

2010-01-21T15:10:00.003-07:00

Time is running out for us to vote in order to help TWLOHA--To Write Love On Her Arms--win $1 million to establish an online crisis intervention service. (I believe the deadline is Friday.) You can read about it and click to vote by going to TWLOHA's website here. I also invite you to watch the Miley Cyrus video below which encourages you to vote to help out this great nonprofit that does amazing, life-saving work in suicide prevention.

Some 2010 Business

2010-01-12T12:10:00.004-07:00

Update 1/20/10: Great news!
Our wonderful friend, Paul, at Mindparts is coming through for us to host the January edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Hooray! The edition will be posted on Friday, 1/29 and submissions must be turned in by the deadline of Wednesday, 1/27. Click on that BC widget to the left there on my sidebar to go straight to the submission form.

It looks like I also have enough interest with hosts to cover monthly editions for about six or seven other months for 2010. I could still use some hosts for most of the summer and fall months, so be thinking about it won't you? Thanks!

***

Still sick here, but not nearly as bad. Thanks for the well wishes, all.

Before I forget, I want to conduct some business. We have GOT to get some hosts lined up for 2010 monthly editions of our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. At the present moment, I don't have anybody. Any interest out there? If you've participated by submitting blog posts to our carnival in the past, I'd really like to encourage you to host. It's really quite simple and I help you through it every step of the way.

If you think you could help us out with hosting, please leave a comment and let me know what month preference, if any, that you have. Thanks for considering, everyone. I know our blog carnival has become a very important mode of sharing, survivor solidarity, advocacy and awareness- raising. Let's keep it going strong for another year!

Nursing in the New Year

2010-01-06T17:18:00.002-07:00

Well, Christmas went pretty well. We had a nice visit with my sister in Atlanta. We rang in the New Year and celebrated my son turning into a teenager (freaks Mom out, I'll tell ya).

Then, I collapsed into a heap of icky sicky crud. I was worried for a while it might be bronchitis or a sinus infection, but I think it's just a virus. What I really think is that my body just decided to speak up: "You will rest...NOW!" So, that's what I'm doing. Things are pretty quiet on the therapy front, which is nice for a change. It feels good to focus on and take care of the body. But, I am getting weary of the sniffling and the hacking.

I hope all of you are staying well for the start of this New Year. Happy 2010.

Mini Carnival: Holiday Survival Tips for Survivors

2009-12-23T10:14:00.008-07:00

So, welcome to our holiday mini carnival for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. As I said in the post below, I was psyched to see some wonderful lists of holiday tips that I found useful for survivors. I hope you will find them useful, too!

Happy Holidays, all! Stay safe, stay sane!

To All My Poly Pals: by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

First, I direct you to a list found on Dr. Deb's blog, entitled, "Ten Tips to Keep You in Yuletide Cheer." Especially helpful for dissociative survivors or those with PTSD: "Avoid triggers that set old traumas into motion." Easier said than done, but definitely something to be aware of is her advice to stay in the present. I also like, "Use your senses to find beauty and peace in small moments around you." Especially if you find yourself around your perpetrator or someone toxic or abusive, remind yourself that the beauty and peace you discover with those senses of yours can never be taken away from you.

The next blogger I'm highlighting is new to me. The blog is called Healing Stream for Survivors. The insightful, useful post is called Holiday Tips for Incest Survivors. If you are still in a quandary about whether or not to show up at your family of origin gathering tomorrow or Friday, you may want to check out this post. It gives useful ideas for weighing the pros and cons of attending family of origin gatherings or passing on them. There is one word of caution here, however: Don't spend the holiday alone. I agree. Even if it's simply taking a book to read at a Chinese restaurant or going to see a movie--get out there. Crunch in the snow. Take a drive and look at the Christmas lights. Grab an eggnog latte.

Another blog that is new to me that I am loving is Grace Davis' State of Grace. Her post, An Adult Child Abuse Survivor's Guide to the Holidays makes the point that you don't have to go to any holiday gatherings of your family of origin, but gives many helpful tips for if you do go. As a dissociative, I particularly like her idea about sitting next to the window and looking out. For me, I find looking at falling snow, birds at a feeder, frosted trees, etc. quite grounding. You need to stay grounded so that you can keep yourself safe.

I found Grace Davis through Patricia's blog, Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker. State of Grace was a wonderful resource link Patricia provided in her post entitled, Help Getting Through the Holidays. When you visit Patricia's blog, stay and take a look around. Her two most recent posts are about feelings and the spirit of Christmas. Her post on December 2 talks about shutting down to get through the holidays. I always find something I can relate to at her blog.

Patricia was, actually, the spark that motivated this mini carnival for me. Thanks, Patricia! Her post that I just mentioned also points to Colleen's blog, Surviving by Grace. Her posts, How to Help a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse, and If You Want to Help a Survivor are not exactly holiday tips lists for survivors, but they have some wonderful ideas for how your healthy, non-toxic friends and relatives can be helpful to you during this stressful, often triggering, time. You might just want to copy off these posted ideas and have them in your pocket in the next couple of days as a reminder for you to be assertive and ask supportive loved ones for what you need.

My blogger friend, Clinically Clueless is anything but. She is making her own holiday-time changes and is passing them on to other survivors in her post, Holidays ~ A Time For Change. This is an amazingly helpful, powerful, yet short and succinct list that we can all adopt as we make healthy changes in our lives. I especially like her advice to "make your own family traditions." I started doing this when I was single and on my own and have really enjoyed adopting my own holiday family traditions with my husband and my son. Remember: just because Grandma did it doesn't mean you have to do it...particularly if it is stressful and/or triggering! We have choices now. Let's make them!

Finally, I leave you with Amy's blog Smelling God. Amy is an amazingly prolific Christian writer who has created her own four-part series of posts about getting through the holidays, aptly named "Surviving The Holidays." Part four of four is about finding and celebrating your new beginnings. Part three talks so importantly about breaking the cycle, protecting yourself, saying no and starting your own new traditions. Part two is my favorite and is really the tips list, starting off by saying, "you are enough!" and explaining how to let go of your abuser's brain washing. On the list itself, I really like her advice about copying kids at Christmas. Make a snow angel! She also gives us this gem: "Reclaim their joy and make it your own." Yes! Amy's part one of four explains how to overcome fear and dread, which may really be mounting for some of us as Christmas Day approaches.

My thanks goes out to these helpful bloggers for letting me highlight their holiday posts. Thanks for reading. Won't you stop by their blogs and tell them you appreciate them, too? As always, I appreciate all of you for letting me into your lives. I'm looking forward to continuing our bloggy buddy relationships and survivor solidarity in 2010. If any of you think you may want to host a monthly edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse in the New Year, please leave me a comment expressing your willingness to do so. Thanks, in advance!

Holiday Survival Tips for Survivors

2009-12-21T10:33:00.003-07:00

Hi, everybody! Well, I can't tell you all how much I enjoyed our pre-holiday interchange with the
"gift of gratitude" I put up on the post below. Wow! What a wonderful, supportive group we have here. :)

Now, I'm getting ready to organize a little quick "mini carnival" for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for December. I don't have any new hosts lined up and I wasn't sure I wanted to tackle a full carnival edition myself. But, then I started seeing some great posts out in the blogosphere that had lists of tips for holiday survival for us survivors. So, on Wednesday--December 23--I'm going to link to some of these holiday tip lists.

So far, I've found very useful lists at the blogs of Colleen, Patricia, Amy, Clueless and Dr. Deb. I also hope to get permission to use the lists from bloggers who are new to me: Healing Stream and Grace Davis.

Nobody has to bother with the Blog Carnival submission form this time. Just let me know if you'd rather NOT have your list included in our mini carnival. And if anyone has other lists they know of out there, please let me know ASAP by leaving a comment. Oh yeah. And if you've already submitted a post that is not a holiday tips list, don't worry. I will save all the other submitted posts for the January carnival. Thanks!

The Gift of Gratitude

2009-12-14T14:43:00.002-07:00

I want to take some time out of the busy holiday schedule (which doesn't seem to be triggering me this year, thank God) to let each of my bloggy buddies know that I am grateful for your friendship. Your support and kind words always mean such a great deal to me. I want you all to know that. Each one of you is special and has a special place in my heart. Thank you!

My holiday wish for you is that the spirit of the season brings you true comfort and joy.

Thanks for Your Support! by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

The Torture Still Torments

2009-12-08T09:53:00.002-07:00

Trigger Warning! Also some foul language in the content to follow:

I continue to struggle with the reality of torture in my childhood abuse. At first, I was convinced that the times I was sadistically tortured--when I was nearly suffocated in a plastic shower curtain for instance--was limited to times when my father flew into an uncontrolled rage.

Now I know the truth: Much of the time the torture was systematic and involved mind control and an attempt to completely break my spirit. It often involved forcing a young child into a "choice" situation. Here, I had to "choose" whether to save myself or my twin sister; whether to try to spare my sister pain and torture or allow her to be hurt. Of course, in these scenarios, the real existence of choice didn't exist at all. It was just a mind fuck, and a double, impossible bind.

I have to try and somehow wrap my brain around it, to come to terms with the fact that I was also abused by people outside of my immediate, biological "family." To my knowledge, these were not people involved with the occult or devil worship or any kind of religious-like rituals. Many times, I was "sold" to these individuals in order to perform sexual acts. But, it has recently become revealed to me through retrieved memories, that I was also forced into elaborately set-up torture scenarios (sometimes with my twin, sometimes not).

These scenarios were planned, carried out and viewed by sick individuals who enjoyed seeing a child in mental, emotional and physical anguish. Witnessing my torture is what they got off on. This is how they got their jollies. This is what they threw their heads back and laughed at. This is how they got their enjoyment.

There is still no excuse for it. But, I am really seeing now more clearly how people turn their heads and look the other way. I understand the horrors that people want to deny could ever happen to our children in our culture. No one wants to live in a world where this is even possible.

A Multiple of Lonely

2009-12-03T14:24:00.002-07:00

I had a few things I wanted to express today, but then realized it would just be a rant. So, all I have to say today is this: It can be so utterly lonely sometimes having a dissociative disorder. You'd think, maybe, it would be just the opposite--because I'm never really alone--but it is lonely.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: November, 2009

2009-11-19T12:39:00.005-07:00

It's World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. In honor of this world day of advocacy and awareness, we are holding our monthly Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse today. The response was overwhelming and I am so grateful. We have 35 posts in this edition!

TRIGGER WARNING Child Abuse is an horrific reality in our world today. Understandably, reading articles about the abuse of children can be triggering. Please take appropriate care while perusing the carnival.

Since it is, indeed, World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse, our carnival theme this month is prevention. Here are some posts that fall under the theme:

Darkness2Light was kind enough to let us use their post, Tuesday Talking Points, Nov. 17 posted at the Darkness2Light blog. It's a powerful, yet friendly and down-to-earth, video of Darkness2Light's founder explaining why she started the world's leading non-profit working to prevent child sexual abuse. With the submission came the remark, "Our aim is to END child sexual abuse! It's a lofty goal, but we have a way... Find out how we can PREVENT this tragedy."

KathyBroady LCSW offers her Tips for Protecting Your Children from Sexual Abuse posted at her blog, Protective Parenting. In her remarks she said, "Thank you, Thriver, for putting the effort into making this blog carnival about the prevention of sexual abuse. Educating people about how to protect their children is important!" Thank you, Kathy! Predators are determined to get to our children. We need to use wise strategies such as these to outsmart them and keep our kids safe.

Adam writes about How 5 Minutes Worth of Education Can Help You Better Understand How to Prevent Child Abuse at his blog, ZenTactics News Page, and says, "Learning how to prevent child abuse starts by educating yourself first. What are the signs to look for? How do you know if a child is being abused? Read this article." Yes, I also recommend reading this article. It contains some key facts and signs we all should know.

Nancy Gray links us to a survey at her post, NAPCAN: Prevent Child Abuse and Neglect from Child Person From the South, and explains, "This blog is simply an important invitation to participate in a survey on child abuse and neglect being conducted NAPCAN in Australia. The survey is not limited to citizens of Australia and includes many opportunities to share information that may contribute to increased awareness, knowledge, and prevention of child abuse and neglect. I encourage you to take a few moments to take advantage of this opportunity to make a difference for children everywhere." I took the survey and I'm glad I did. Won't you take it, too?

Art Therapy

Next, I want to highlight a brand new category for our carnival: art therapy. I have really experienced great benefit working with collage. Recently, I've enjoyed the almost-instant gratification of digital collage at Polyvore. So, I wanted to offer this opportunity for sharing survivor art and healing here.

Grace highlights her Polyvore collage at her post of the same name: Enter to the right ~ Exit to the left...for me there is no escape from her blog, Good Enough.

castorgirl is also creating collages at Polyvore and is kind enough to share some with us at Collages for healing and understanding from her blog, Scattered pieces. She remarks, "Three collages which express aspects of my healing or understanding of the abuse I have been subjected to."

Finally, I present my own art therapy post which is also an awareness/prevention post. It's called I am Not a Burden, I am a Child. I posted this on my own blog here in response to some strong emotion that came up for me after reading a news article back in May about the rise in reports of child abuse.

If you decide to go to the Polyvore website and check it out for yourself, you may be a bit confused at first. The home page makes it look like a fashion site, and it is. But in addition to all the fashion images, there are thousands of other images (they call them"items") that you can save into your own personal file at your account and create any kind of healing collage (they call them "sets" over there) that you so desire. Give it a try! I'm glad I did!

Advocacy & Awareness

Hope presents Do You Chase the Embrace? posted at Hope for Trauma, saying, "Parents should be aware that they might be sending the wrong message to their children about touch. Children like and need consistency."

KathyBroady LCSW delivers a second post this month: Sex Offenders in the Northern Dallas Texas Area from her blog, Protective Parenting. Kathy points out, "An important element of prevention of sexual abuse is having an awareness of the predators in your neighborhood. This blog post provides an example of how to find your local registered sex offenders. Prevent child abuse by knowing exactly who to avoid!"

Colleen Spiro has a way of providing succinct, powerful advocacy posts at her blog, Surviving by Grace. In this post, she talks about The Ripple Effect and asks, "How many people have been helped because I was helped?"

Aftermath

Ivory's post, Coping With Fall really caught my attention because, like me, she says that fall is her favorite season, yet it is also filled with triggers. She posts at Shades of Ivory, and says, "Healing from child abuse is immeasurably deep and ambiguous. Healing should be needed only when the abuse has not first been prevented."

Faith Hoffen presents HERE'S THE CONDENSED VERSION OF MY TRAUMA - THE CAUSES OF MY INJURIES AND ILLNESSES posted at Hope for Coping with Traumatic Stress, saying, "This is the condensed version of how the child abuse affected me physically up to the present day - including 8 surgeries and continuing pain...But, I still have hope for a better tomorrow."

Colleen Spiro joins us again with her post, Empty Spaces from her blog, Surviving by Grace. Here, she talks about the holiday season approaching and the grief that she feels regarding the estrangement from her family of origin. But, I think Colleen's "feeling of the feelings" shows healthy progress.

This next post, from Jumping in Puddles is very interesting as it describes, A Littles Life Inside a Big Body, at her blog, Life Spacings. JIP commented, "What it's like living inside a big body but stuck being a little because of abuse that created you in the first place." I want to thank the littles in JIP's system for their courage in sharing in this post.

Healing & Therapy

I met Dr. Kathleen Young several months ago through Twitter. She's been a wonderful, consistent supporter of our carnival ever since. Here, she presents, Connection Heals, from her blog, Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago. I sure do appreciate my connection with her!

Adam is back with, What Causes Depression - Why You Must Examine The Past If You're a Child Abuse Survivor posted at ZenTactics News Page, saying, "I wrote this article based on personal experience. I shared it with another survivor and it rang true for them as well. I hope you like it." Yes, Adam, I like this smart article very much. In fact, I wish I had read it years ago. It took me (an my various doctors and therapists) literally years to figure out that I am not chronically depressed. My depression is situational and usually arises while avoiding horrific childhood memories that are trying to surface.

Dan L Hays presents Talk of Tigers/The Tiger Unveiled posted at Thoughts Along The Road to Healing, saying, " It is how I started to become aware of the rage problem I had, and how I was forced to confront it. It will be the topic of a future book, 'The Tiger Unveiled.'" Good luck with the future book, Dan!

Kellen gives us a therapist's perspective in, Mindfulness, Childhood Trauma and Denial posted at the Kellevision blog. With this submission was the remark, "Relearning mindfulness in order to heal from childhood sexual abuse." I like the advice here about survivors getting back in touch with their bodies. I know I was "out" of my body for a long time and being back in touch with it has been healing for me.

Patricia Singleton gives us a light and easy post, Calm from her blog, Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker. Patricia says, "Part of my journey means enjoying the breaks when they come along. All of life doesn't have to be hard." I'm so happy for you that you are experiencing this calm phase of refreshment, Patricia!

mile 191 gives us her thoughts on parenting from an assignment she did in a marriage and family course: Assignment from Hell: Her REGRET. It's from her blog, come into my closet, and she says, "For this article I chose the Healing category because I sense that I am HEALING finally, as I move out of my childhood and into parenting my own children in a more healthy environment and atmosphere. I feel that while I make mistakes that my children are very blessed. I am breaking the cycle...I am preventing child abuse by being the best Mother that I can be. From the mistakes of my own parents I am growing to become the kind of loving and tender parent that I always wanted. I know that I make mistakes and sometimes healing while being a parent is harder than the abuse itself...Being a parent and healing from a tragic childhood is one of the hardest things that any person could possibly take on." I so agree, Mile. But, we are doing it! Yeah!

IK shares about inner child self-soothing, attention and acceptance in, The Child Within from Issue Knitting. Thanks so much for joining us for this carnival, IK!

Mike McBride tells us there's no one right way to heal in his post, We're not all the same from his blog, Child Abuse Survivor. So true, Mike! And I so appreciate your continued support of our carnival. You rock!

April_Optimist is always so positive in her posts, even when speaking about the "tough stuff." In Battening Down the Hatches posted at her blog, The Thriver's Toolbox, she gives us some great ideas for comforting, safety and self-care. As she says, "If we are abused, there will be times the past surfaces and we need to deal with it. This is a post about how to do so safely."

In The News

Hall monitor presents Teacher accused of forming 'secret society' to have sex with teen girls, posted at Detention Slip saying, "This teacher duped high school girls into sex. We need to stop people like this from entering our schools!" This article, unfortunately, didn't surprise me at all. My own pedophile father was a high school teacher. God only knows what tricks he employed to molest girls there. Raise awareness!

Tamir Birk from Informed Vote presents Nova Scotia Bishop Lahey’s Alleged Child Abuse. This article talks about the incomplete media coverage when it comes to Catholic priest pedophiles who also happen to be of very high rank and influence.

Poetry

Rick Belden was our first blogger to submit for the November carnival. Thanks, Rick! In his poem, child, posted at his blog, poetry, dreams, and the body, Rick presents us with the spiritual child, gifted child, curious, trusting and innocent child. This is moving; please read this poem. As Rick says, "My submission for the November carnival was written twenty years ago and then packed away in a box in my closet where it remained, forgotten, until I rediscovered it earlier this year." I'm so glad you found it and shared it with us!

Nancy Gray is back, this time with a poem: Kicking the Dog - A Poem from another one of her blogs, Scarecrow Child. When submitting, Nancy said, "Child abuse and neglect leave many scars as well as festering wounds on survivors. Art provides an opportunity to heal from some of the damage and its after effects...The Scarecrow Child Blog contains many of my attempts to work through my own trauma through various art forms."

Dan L Hays has a second submission. It's a poem called, Heartbeat from his blog, Thoughts Along The Road to Healing. When submitting, Dan remarked, "A poem about an abuse incident from my teenage years, the effects on my adult life, and the spiritual solution to overcoming it."

Buffalopine agreed to let me use her post, Dream Giver: The Healing, from her blog, Buffalopine's Blog, because it is truly beautiful and poetic. It is long, but it really reads like a poem. Thanks for sharing this with us, Buffalopine!

BeyondBeliefs presents Thomas T. Panto's - My Dear Perfection posted at Journey Of Life, saying, "This is what Living Things know about Life."

I was afraid that Mary had decided to no longer post to her blog, so I was so pleasantly surprised when I saw that she had created a new survivor poem for us! It's called To My Mother, and it's another very poignant and powerful poem written by Mary at her blog, Nippercat's Home.

Survivor Stories

Sarah presents Secrets posted at her blog, Writing. Sarah remarks, "Not Alone Anymore. 'We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we would cease to grow...' ~ Leo F. Buscaglia...All that time, living on the streets, fighting to survive...alone...Loneliness hurts...Loneliness that causes a pain so intense - the only relief you can think of is death. I remember that pain...those years - an emptiness so deep...a gut wrenching despair - connected to no one - feeling utterly worthless - not good enough...Loneliness - is a disease. It eats away at you - steals your life...When God touched me...He slowly filled that empty hole in my soul...I never want to forget where I was...I want my arm to always be extended...reaching out...to make a difference and help others feel connected."

Innocencestolen wrote part of her story, My Story, specifically for our blog carnival. Thanks, Innocencestolen! She posts at her blog, aptly named, Innocencestolen's Blog. Thanks for joining us!

Laurie Smith contacted me through Mike's Child Abuse Survivor Network. I'm happy to include her post, Chapter - 5 "In This Corner, Heavy Weight Champion....." from her blog, Not So Fond Memories,Growing up in an Abusive Home. Laurie remarks, "It is my hope that this blog will help to promote child abuse awareness. My blog is my story and I hope that as the chapters unfold, the readers of my blog will see that there is hope, there is light and healing can begin. I am living proof...Thank you to everyone who has ever had it in their heart to intervene and to help an abused child." Thank you for your courage in sharing, Laurie!

castorgirl is back to end our carnival with a post called, Friendship and safety posted at her blog, Scattered pieces. Castorgirl says, "This is a 'thank you' to online friends who accept and understand what it is like to be a survivor." Thank you for this lovely sentiment and for joining us for this carnival edition!

That's it for this edition. I know it is a lot to read with 35 posts. But, I'll keep it up here for a while. You don't have to read all the entries in one sitting, but I know how much all the contributors appreciate a supportive comment at their blog posts. So, get around to as many as you can, won't you? I'd like to thank everyone who submitted their courageous, thoughtful, insightful and helpful blog posts this month. As always, I am so proud of our survivor and supporter community! Thanks for visiting.

Take a Ride, Help a Child!

2009-11-16T09:34:00.006-07:00

Update, 11/19/09: Happy World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. Whew! This is a HUGE carnival I'm organizing here, with over 35 posts! I will do my best to have the edition up and posted by early this afternoon. See ya then!

*****

Thursday (11/19) is World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. It's an annual, global awareness campaign, launched in 2000. Won't you help a child--help break the cycle--by raising awareness about child abuse at our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse? I'm hosting an edition here at my blog on Thursday--"World Day."

Butterfly Ferris Wheel by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

You can submit items from the news, poetry, survivor stories, posts about healing & therapy, advocacy & awareness, and abuse aftermath. Also starting this month, we have a *New* category: art therapy. If you love collage at Polyvore like I do, embed one of your collages into one of your blog posts and submit it for this new category. We will also take drawings, paintings...any kind of visual art, as long as it's part of a blog post and it was created for art therapy/healing purposes. In addition to these monthly categories, I'd like to see lots of posts this month that focus on prevention of child abuse, to celebrate "World Day."

The deadline is tomorrow, Tuesday, November 17, at midnight Pacific Time, U.S. Hurray! You can use this submission form here.

Tuesday, 11/17 Update: Thanks for the heads up on the Blog Carnival submission form link not working. I think it's working now. Thanks for your interest and support of our carnival. If you tried to submit before and couldn't, please try again! Appreciate your patience! ;)

My Parts Are Alive...

2009-11-13T14:58:00.002-07:00

...With The Sound of Triggers!

Quick request, bloggy buddies, for you to send up a quick prayer, healing thought, positive vibe, etc. My therapist has been rearranging my appointments lately (still doing the double-time every week) because her mother is in the hospital. While I certainly feel for her and know she has her own life, this couldn't have come at a worse time.

I've got these little child parts telling me about torture memories that occurred outside the "family" and I seem to have had some parts who held all the triggering noises for me. Guess what? They're all PTSD and flashback-like now. It seems I'm triggered by just about anything that sounds like it has a motor in it.

I'm doing all I can to comfort and calm without the support of my T while she's out of town, but it's just all I can do to keep it together right now. Yesterday, I heard some motor noise--truck, street sweeper, I don't know--and a scared voice came out of my mouth saying, "It's coming closer. Where is it? I have to see it so I know how close it's getting!" This was quickly followed by a tearful crumpling. I've been ultra sensitive to sounds and having flashbacks today as well. So, I've had my MediaPlayer on all day, playing the same soft garden sounds/music over and over to cover up noises and calm my shattered nerves.

I'm doing a lot of work right now, but it can sure be filled sometimes with trauma triggers and fear. Thanks, in advance, for those thoughts, prayers and vibes, all.

Therapy Marathon

2009-11-05T10:15:00.002-07:00

Well, I'm back home and I feel like my intense therapy week last week went well. In addition to the 4 1/2 hours of therapy time, I was able to indulge in some pampering and self-care, as well as time to get some extra work done. I worked on a healing-related poem, I did a ton of reading and journaling, and I worked on some self-love affirmations. The affirmations exercise is one that my sister shared with me from the WIIT program. It's supposed to defuse negative brain-washing messages. (I may share some of that sometime later.)

In addition, this time focused on my healing gave me the push I needed to admit I needed something to help me sleep. I was starting to feel very run down from lack of sleep and poor sleep with nightmares, etc. So I went into the doctor and got a prescription for Trazadone. It's helping me a lot! I hope I won't have to be on it long, but I'm glad it's there for support when I need to be at least a notch above zombie level.

Now that I'm back, things are mixed, as life always is. Today I'm home with a sick kid (again!). But, I missed my son after being away for a five days and I'm glad to spend more time with him. When he's sick is about the only time that he really lets me snuggle him and love on him anymore. He acts like he's already 15 or something! LOL ;)

The biggest thing I'm excited about at this very moment is the fact that I rebooted my computer and ran some scans on it and then got Firefox working on it again. Hooray! It's the first time I've been able to use Firefox on my computer for about a month! So, I'm able to do this new blog post easily, and maybe I'll get around to some other blogs today.

I'm feeling a little anxious about my birthday this weekend. But, I've been very assertive and have asked for exactly what I want for my birthday. We're going to a brunch on Sunday, as a family, assuming we're all healthy. Then, in the evening, my husband got us the tickets I wanted for a live comedy show. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine sometimes.

My son provides some comic relief for me quite often. He's such a little card! I'm continuing some extra therapy right now. After a tough session yesterday afternoon, I picked him up from school with tears still in my eyes. It wasn't long, however, before he had me in stitches with some silly story he was telling in his animated way. I love him so much! I'm so glad that I was able to have a child and we've been able to keep him safe...and he knows how much he's loved.

As for my inner children, I'm continuing to do double therapy weeks until further notice. I'm on the verge of uncovering some issues that need to be processed from the two-year black hole I have always had in my childhood memories. I can remember so much from Kindergarten--and then again from third grade, but I virtually remember nothing about first grade and completely nothing about second grade. I can't even say I remember my teacher, what the classroom looked like or anything. Let alone what happened with me personally. So, I'm standing on a scary precipice. But, I just keep climbing. All you survivors out there: Let's just keep climbing!

A Little Business To Attend To

2009-10-23T13:11:00.006-06:00

Update: 10/30/09: Lynda has the October edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse up at her blog, In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law. She's done a wonderful job of organizing the entries. We were able to get several that were in the child abuse prevention and advocacy category; under that theme. Please go over and support these brave bloggers, won't you? I appreciate the survivor solidarity!

****

Starting Sunday night, I'm going to spend six days away from my noisy, always-begging-for-some-form-of-attention, house. I'm going to rest, process and write, as well as comfort and pamper myself a little bit.

Don't worry, I'll still be on top of things for next week's October edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. This month's host is Lynda at In The Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law. Now, you don't have to know anything about child advocacy law to enter this carnival. We will still have our regular submission categories of: Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy, In The News, Poetry and Survivor Stories. In addition, Lynda has set a theme of advocacy (perfect fit, right?) for this edition. To be exact, Lynda says, "The theme is: Beginner's Guide to Saving a Child. We are seeking submissions on volunteer opportunities, ways to help work to end child abuse and organizations that focus their efforts on this important work." I've already submitted my post called, Take A Stand, Raise Your Hand. I'm actually getting my own post in before the day of the deadline for a change. Yay!

Speaking of which, the deadline is Wednesday, October 28th for the Friday 10/30 edition. (That's midnight Eastern time in the U.S.). You can submit your own post using this form here. Please make sure to tell your friends and get your own posts in while I'm gone, okay? Thanks, everyone, for your continued support and contributions to this carnival. Together, we can make a difference and raise awareness about child abuse!

Frozen in Mid-Step; What Now?

2009-10-15T08:16:00.004-06:00

I Don't Know Who I Am by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

So, I'm feeling frustrated, disappointed and overwhelmed in the therapy department. The healing journey is, once again, feeling like an attempt to reach the Mt. Everest summit. Right now, I feel like I've hit a raging blizzard and I'm clawing the jagged rocks, trying not to slip back down, negating a thousand feet of hard-won ascent progress. To be honest, I feel like I need to set up camp and hunker down in my tent while I wait for the storm to pass.

Unfortunately, recovery from a trauma-induced dissociative disorder doesn't work that way. When the storm hits is when I have to muster up the strength and courage to work even harder and keep on climbing, even if it feels like I'm barely putting one foot in front of the other and I can't see where I'm going.

What prompted this, you ask? Well, I've been talking to my twin sister a lot lately about the progress she made at the WIIT program --The Women's Institute For Incorporation Therapy--in Florida. It's a one-of-a-kind treatment facility that practices incorporation therapy for dissociative trauma survivors. The more I talked with her, the more I wanted to try to attend this program myself. I feel like it could help me progress light years faster than the progress I'm making in individual therapy right now.

Let me give you some background detail that may explain why I got so excited about this idea. You see, I've been working a lot lately with parts that I used to call the "punisher parts" in the beginning. In the last year, it's really become apparent to me that these self-harming parts work overtime to maintain the abuse secret.

Here's the scenario I often get, but have just become aware of and started to understand: A young part starts to feel some feelings (not allowed!) of sadness, abandonment, fear, etc. Then a part I like to call a "firefighter" type comes out and jumps through all kinds of crazy hoops trying to shut off/down the feelings. This could include running away in dissociative fugues, getting suicidal, getting drunk, over-spending, etc. etc. Then, one of these protector (punisher) parts comes out and says, "You're getting out of hand. You're drawing too much attention to yourself. You are acting crazy. You're going to blow it. People will find out the secret." So then there's usually some self-injury type behavior. The problem with this is that it brings about huge feelings of shame and guilt, which threatens to start the whole feelings--avoiding feelings spiral all over again. So, I have a part named Serena who takes over and shuts the whole body down. I don't move, I don't talk, I don't do anything.

I'm trying to break this cycle of dissociative dysfunction. I have found--yeah, my therapist was right--that most of these self-destructive parts are really trying to be protective. They think that, if the secret gets out, I am going to be killed. I have found (as scary as they are, at first, to approach) that they are often quite cooperative once we get a dialogue going, get a contract not to self-harm "signed," and then I find them some more appropriate job to do that makes them still feel useful. I have a part named Sentry, for example, who does NOT get to be inappropriate and in people's faces anymore, but he gets the job of always being alert and aware of my surroundings whenever I'm getting out of my car and it's dark outside.

Sounds great, right? Well the difficulty I'm having now is that I've got a few of these protector (punisher) parts "standing down" with contracts and/or new jobs and now all hell is breaking loose with lots of previously-exiled little parts wanting to tell me their part of the story. They're all clamoring to be heard. They have sadness, fear, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, etc. issues to express and abuse memories they have been holding and are now ready to hand off to me. I told my therapist I feel like there's a long line of them stretched out in the dark, waiting to come into the light and be healed. This is great healing/therapy news and sign of progress. But, you can only imagine how overwhelming it is. It's gotten so bad that I'm back to a lot of PTSD symptoms like huge startle response and triggers that are sending me into full-blown flashbacks again. These are symptoms that I've had under control for a few years. So, you can understand why I fear I'm already starting to backslide.

I really thought that the WIIT program would be a great place to process all this in some kind of timely manner with lots of support and without the distractions of my special needs son, my husband, house cleaning, cooking, blah blah blah, etc. Well, I finally got hold of a real, live person at WIIT on the phone yesterday. I was hoping, since I am private pay (no mental health coverage for this pre-existing condition; we pay cash), I would be able to customize my own treatment plan there. Nope. This intake person I talked to wasn't budging. She told me that out-of-state patients are required to spend a minimum of one week inpatient at this facility and then two weeks of intensive outpatient. The alternative is to stay two whole weeks inpatient. She quoted me a price for this that was a small fortune. It was enough to pay for a new car, as a matter of fact!

So, the long and the short of it is that I'm not going. Crap! I might try to stay in a hotel for several days and see my therapist for several hours for a week and see how much we're able to accomplish that way. I don't know. I'll keep you all posted. Pray for a miracle??

You Are Beautiful. Yes You!

2009-10-02T09:28:00.003-06:00

If you couldn't tell, I'm really enjoying my experience and the community over at Polyvore. I discover new things there all the time (at least when my computer is cooperating). The other day I stumbled onto something that reminded me that I--we all--need this reminder: We are beautiful! I think it is so easy for survivors to think that they are ugly. Especially if we are in therapy or doing memory work, we have to stare ugly in the face. But, we are beautiful. Let's remember that.

You are beautiful. (Yes, you.) by Chloe™ on Polyvore.com

I'm posting this collage, aka "set" of Chloe's, which is the reminder for me that started it all. Turns out, she was inspired by a campaign called Operation Beautiful. Through this campaign, people are leaving reminders--posty notes--all over the world to spread the "you are beautiful" love. Cool, huh? You can go to the Operation Beautiful website and get instructions on how to get involved and find out how to have your own posted note...er posted! ;)

And as a final reminder of your beauty, I will leave a copy of my poem, "Your Beauty" below for your reading enjoyment. Have a beautiful day!

Your Beauty

I see the beauty you can’t see

You’re unaware of what it does for me

It’s the light shining in your eyes

Lifting me up to brighter skies

Still you walk around

And you hang your head

Sometimes wishing

You were dead

But if you could see

What I see in you

There’d be nothing, love,

That you could not do.

Can You Fathom A Family?

2009-09-23T10:38:00.004-06:00

Update: This post was written as a submission to this month's Family-Themed Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. It is up now over at Paul's blog, Mind Parts. If you haven't already visited, please do. And won't you please leave supportive comments for these brave bloggers participating? Thanks!

***

Whenever I speak of my "family" of origin, that's what I do: I put the word family in quotation marks. I don't consider myself as a person who had a family growing up.

Whenever there was some strife or "upset" at a holiday gathering or the "family" dinner table (which inevitably there almost always was), my mother liked to lament, "Can't we just be a family?" So surprised you have the nerve to even ask that question, dear old mom. But it's a good one. I don't know. Can we be a family? What makes for a family anyway?

What Is a Family? by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

Let's see. Do you make a family by getting Grandma to buy frilly, fancy clothes for your children and then parading them around to the homes of relatives to sit still and proper, with their mouths shut and their hands folded in their laps? Hhmmmm...I think that's called "keeping up appearances." No, that doesn't quite seem to be enough to cut it to me.

Maybe you make a strong family by neglecting to get proper medical treatment for your children when they are deathly ill or have been severely injured. Nope. Don't think that's it, either. How 'bout calling your child "bad, dirty and evil" after you allow their father to have sex with them? Nah! Don't think so. Prostituting your daughters out to other men? That definitely doesn't work. I know! Claiming a child as a dependent on your taxes after they've been working to earn their own money since they were 11 years old and completely on their own (so they can't file their own income tax)! No, that doesn't define a family either.

Do I sound angry? I hope so! You may have noticed--if you've been reading my blog for a while--that I was able to sneak in a new detail there that is quite heinous. It's something I've been working my butt off on in therapy lately. I'm quite motivated to resolve this hideous, new area of retrieved memories so that maybe, some day, I can relax during the fall months and not freak out in dissociative dysfunction every year. Yeah, I deserve to feel my feelings of anger. I never deserved to be treated this way as a helpless, innocent child.

Do I sound sad? Probably so. I am doing a lot of necessary grieving. I certainly grieve over the childhood and the family I never had.

But, I am also happy and rather proud that I have the chance--and I am taking it--to break the multi-generational cycle of abuse. I can end the legacy I was born into. I've been able to create my own family with my husband and my beloved son.

I am not like my own parents who, at best, saw children as a bother and a burden. I can remember it like it was, literally, yesterday: The day I brought my tiny bundle of joy home from the hospital was one of the happiest days of my life. I don't remember being any more elated on any day before or since that time. It was a time of pure joy that I was able to claim because of my commitment to break the cycle of child abuse.

Has it been easy--trying to fathom a family and forming one--with no positive role models of my own to follow? No, it hasn't been easy. I would be lying to you if I said it was. All three of the members of this family are in therapy. I don't think there's any other way, when the person in the mother role has a severe dissociative disorder.

But, we are facing our issues and challenges, not just keeping up appearances. We love each other and we strive every day to show it and to keep our family communication open. My son will be 13 on his next birthday. But, he still asks me for hugs. The insightful bugger even said to me, just the other day: "You've made great progress on your disability. I'm proud of you, Mom." My heart swells. Yes, we are a family. I get to say that because of the commitment I made even before my child was conceived. We get to claim that because of the love we share, the words we use, and the action we take to be a family.

Emotional & Technical Difficulties: Please Stand By

2009-09-17T09:11:00.002-06:00

My computer is giving me fits again. Firefox is not working on it. I've got Internet Explorer working intermittently, but it...is...so...s-l-o-w! I've tried to just go down my links list and visit everybody, in case I can't do that for a while.

I'm really bummed about Polyvore, as that has been one of my life lines lately. With my slow connection, I haven't done as much over there for a while. The other day, I was trying to build a collage and parts of the page (the ones with the necessary buttons, for crying out loud) kept disappearing. Aarrgghhh!

I'm also reeling from this Fall Memory Maze I'm trying to navigate. The other day, I woke up so afraid, I couldn't get out of bed. It was so bad, I couldn't get any comfort going at all. It was all I could do to jump out quickly and grab the phone to call my husband. I asked him to come home and stay with me a while. The wonderful angel did! He brought me tea and sat on the edge of the bed for a while. I think I had a brief glimpse of what agoraphobics must go through. I told my husband, "I know it doesn't make any sense, but I feel like there are mean people out there (outside) who want to hurt me." He stayed with me while. I finally got dressed and my hubby stood there while I watered a few flowers. The fear eventually died down.

Barbed by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

This collage represents how I've been feeling often lately. Scattered, afraid...on the verge of becoming unraveled and completely hysterical. I'm doing extra therapy this week. I think I'm very close to something new and really big in the Autumn Memory Department.

Don't forget, everybody: The next Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse will be over at Paul's blog, Mind Parts. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday, September 23rd. He's only got a handful of submissions so far, so let's get those in! Here's the submission form. Would you please go around to blogs and remind each other? I may not be able to do it as I'd like with my computer woes. Thanks!

My Life Lines: A Pencil & A Rake

2009-09-04T09:05:00.005-06:00

Therapy and feelings work have been intense, but I've also had some productivity in other areas lately. Although I'm coming to terms with the fact that my huge backyard landscaping project will go to the three-year production plan, I'm happy with the results. My backyard is truly turning into a sanctuary--and I need one of those! One of these days I'll get some photos up. I even have some "before-and-after" photos I can share if I can figure out how to post them here.

For now, I'll leave you with some pix from Polyvore. I've been very active over there making collages, and I even know how to embed their code to make the collage show up here. Hooray for little ol' cyber klutz me! ;)

I just mentioned to my hubby this morning that I really hope that this will be one of the last years in my life that I have to deal with so much anguish in the late summer and fall months. Hell, for the last several years, the m.o. has been: Get really triggered and freaked out in August (with firefighter parts coming out, wreaking havoc, getting suicidal and running away); try to cope and do mega therapy in September and October (stay out of the hospital and squeeze in some time with hubby for his October birthday); then brace myself after that for the onslaught of the dreaded holidays.

It would be really nice not to have almost half of my life on hold during these difficult months. For one thing, this is harvest time. I like to harvest and dry my herbs and then cook up big pots of soup and ratatouille to freeze for the winter. I also have loads of work to finish up in the backyard project before the gardening season is over. Then there are the fall colors of Autumn I love so much. So, this would be a nice time of year to be present for and enjoy.

Another thing I'd like to have some assurance for is my botanical illustration courses. I've only got two classes under my belt so far. I took them in the spring. But, I'm hoping I'll be able to commit to getting my certificate in botanical illustration before too long. The classes are expensive, though, and I want to make sure that I can make it to them--not miss any for any freak-out reasons. So, I'm hesitating taking some that are in the fall catalog. Oh well. We'll see.

One thing we do have set up already--Yay us!--is the next two hosts for the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. September will be hosted by Paul at Mind Parts and October will be taken care of by Lynda at Child Advocacy Law. So, we'll have some continuity there.

I'll leave this post up for a little bit. My computer is giving me fits again. I'll try to get around to your blogs and comment, at least, though.

Dream Job: Botanical Illustrator by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

The Healing Garden by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

Beauty for the Dark Journey

2009-08-25T09:30:00.005-06:00

As I said in my "August Angst" post below, my plans with my therapist were to deal with the back-to-school trauma memories head on. I've been successful at doing this and have been able to avoid any really big firefighter dissociative episodes, hospital stays or running away in dissociative fugues. But, it has been a dark, ugly journey into the painful abyss.

Some of my pampering and comforting rituals have not been working lately. I had to cancel a massage appointment last week because I just couldn't bare the thoughts of anybody touching me.

What has worked, however, is I've been clinging to beauty. Visits to the Denver Botanic Garden, growing things in my own garden, sitting in my backyard sanctuary and listening to a soothing CD called "Peaceful Garden" have all helped when the emotions that have surfaced from memory processing have left me ragged and raw.

I've also been quite productive over at Polyvore with art therapy collages. Here's the one that prompted this update post.

Beauty For The Dark Journey by Marj aka Thriver on

When I couldn't muster up the courage to visit my massage therapist last week, I decided to go "inside" and see what the fear was about and who was upset. I made the "mistake" of saying, "If I don't know who you are and where you are, I can't come and rescue you and help you feel better..." something like that. I immediately heard this little voice in my head cry out, "But, I don't know where I am!" Oh, Lordy!

I was in a panic as to how I would do my little visualization rescue technique with my therapist the next day, if I didn't have a firm "place" to go and rescue this little inner child part of myself. It's been fairly easy up to now as I just visualize returning to the house I lived in for the first 10 years of my life. But, recently, I've been retrieving ghastly memories of abuse that took place away from the "home."

I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I calmed every body down as best as I could and tried to reason that my therapy session was just a day away and I could wait. In the meantime, art therapy at Polyvore came through for me again. I created this collage as a visual representation of my commitment to find this little lost part.

I Will Find You by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

As it turned out, the horrifying memory I'd been dreading was of abuse that took place at the school where my father taught for years. I was in the shower area of a locker room with no windows. It was very dark in there and that's why this part wasn't sure, at first, where she was.

I won't go into the gory details, but I believe there were some drugs involved in my abuse at this time. When I awoke in the dark, I was disoriented and thought for a moment that maybe I was dead. When I realized that I wasn't--I was very much alive--I was devastated. Maybe this was the first time in my life that I became suicidal, I don't know. But, what I do know is that my parents did, indeed, thoroughly break me. I hadn't been able to admit this to myself up to this point. I had thought I was stronger than that.

This realization is devastating for me. But, again, it opens up the channels of grief. And feeling the feelings is, as always, the key to my healing. So, I'm doing a lot of that. And, at the same time, I'm clinging to any comfort and beauty I can find. Right now, as a matter of fact, I'm listening to a track on my "Peaceful Garden" CD called "Tranquility." I have to have some beauty and tranquility to hold on to as I face my brokenness.

Hiding by Marj aka Thriver on Polyvore.com

Back-to-School Blog Carnival

2009-08-14T15:22:00.004-06:00

Friday Update: Enola has done a great job; the carnival edition is up. Please visit the linked posts and leave supportive comments, won't you? Thanks for supporting our carnival.

Our dear friend, Enola has graciously agreed to host The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse for the second time. Yay, Enola! She has decided on a back-to-school theme, as it seems I'm not the only one who struggles during this summer-into-fall transition time. Of course, you are not limited to the theme of this month's carnival. You can always submit under our regular categories of: Survivor Stories, Aftermath, Advocacy & Awareness, Healing & Therapy and Poetry. But, I like the way Enola explains this theme and also explains, in general, what a blog carnival is and what ours is about. That's outlined nicely in her announcement post here.

Submissions are due to Enola by midnight (that's in the US) Tuesday, August 18 (hey, that's the day my son goes back to school!) and we'll have the edition post on Friday, August 21. You can use this handy-dandy submission form. Join us, won't you?

August Angst

2009-08-03T15:20:00.005-06:00

Well, there it is: It is now August.
Just saying that to myself fills me with a sense of impending doom.
Last August was a dissociative nightmare. You can read about the "dissociative detour" in this old post here.

I used to think only the official Autumn season was routinely filled with trauma terror. But, the last couple of years I've been noticing that it often starts in August, around the time we start thinking of the kids getting back to school. I saw a "Back to School" promotional banner up the other day and I just got a sinking feeling of dread.

This year, I've got to do something different. My "firefighter" and "manager" parts have already tried all kinds of far-out avoidance tactics to no avail. Let's see, I went down to the Ross trauma program in Dallas coming on three years ago. I've run away to Arizona and the wilds of the national forest in dissociative fugues. I've tried the end-of-summer family vacation and Autumn solo getaways. And, of course, there were more suicidal stays in the hospital than I'd care to mention.

I don't want to repeat any of those this year, thank you very much. I've been talking to my therapist about it on and off for weeks already. I want to be more proactive about it this year.

What we decided at my T appointment last Thursday is that I may just have to face a real whopper of a memory head on. There's probably something about my father being a teacher and the end of the summer that prompted some really bad abuse and, therefore, the dreaded memory I've been trying to avoid seemingly at all costs.

But, something happened when I faced the ultimate betrayal of remembering that my mother knew (and did nothing) about my father almost killing me. I felt the excruciating pain of it...and I didn't die or go crazy.

Maybe I can do the same with this back-to-school memory. I'm sure (duh) that it's something really bad. But, maybe I can just realize that this terrible thing really did happen to me and the hurt of it really sucks. Maybe I can finally allow the little traumatized child inside me to feel the feelings of it. Maybe I can somehow cradle that inner child of mine in my arms and let her cry. Then, of course, I can continue to really take care of myself, comfort myself and pamper myself while I grieve. That's what I've been doing lately and it's been working very well for me.

And with my son back in school, I'll have even more private time for self-care. So, I'm telling myself this will work. I can do this. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. Send out some courage and strength vibes for me, won't you? Thanks!

One thing I'm not sure I'm going to do is the August edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. If there's anybody out there who is just itching to host an August edition, please let me know. If not, I may just let it slide for a month.

Licking My Wounds & Art Therapy

2009-07-27T16:56:00.005-06:00

I've spent the last several days "licking my wounds." Although the pain of my mother's betrayal feels like having my skin ripped off, I've taken the time to really indulge in some self-care lately. I have also just taken the time out to grieve. Although there has been a lot of pain and a lot of tears, I have also had some rare moments of unique peace.

Thank you all for your kind comments. There were some things written in the comment section of my last post that I hadn't really realized before. Seeing those sentiments in black and white was very helpful to me. I appreciate you all so much. Our Survivor Solidarity is awesome!

Another thing I'm finding helpful is my art therapy through collage over at Polyvore. Let me share a couple of recent compilations.

This piece is called "Return to Wonder." I wish we--as child abuse survivors--could all go back and NOT know what we shouldn't have known as young children...return to innocence and wonder.

Untitled by Marj aka Thriver on

This piece reminds me that maybe--just a little at least--I'm coming out of the dark and into the green, the growing...the light. Also, that maybe I can grow something out of all the dark, black dirt that I have. I wish you all much rest, peace and blessings on your own journeys of recovery, healing, dirt-digging, reaching for the light, and growing beautiful things out of the muck.

A Systematic Breaking of The Spirit

2009-07-21T11:12:00.009-06:00

I am really struggling right now. I'm trying to process a new memory that I retrieved recently. It involves so many of my parts that it is taking more time and some extra therapy.

**Trigger Warning**

I'm going through the "Realization Stage"--Yeah, I get it. This happened to me. And it really felt that bad.--on several counts. One is that it was very systematic, my parents' way of breaking my spirit. And, although I was not abused by members of a cult, my parents did utilize some brain washing, mind control-type techniques.

The memory I retrieved recently was something they forced me to say: "Nobody cares about me." and "Nobody cares what happens to me."

This comes on the heals of a memory that I've been working on--on and off--for literally years. My father, on many occasions, tried to drown me in the bathtub. Sometimes it was a joke of his. Sometimes it was a life-or-death struggle to survive. It didn't think my mother knew about these near-death torture situations. But, she did.

For so long, it's been hard enough to break through my denial and accept the realization that she was aware of all the sexual abuse my father forced on me. I figured she was okay with sexual acts that she did not want to be obligated to perform herself. But, now I have to face the fact that this monster man who was my father could have done anything to me. He could have killed me. He could have done anything his twisted mind could think up and my mother would do nothing to step in and protect me.

This is so final. So infinite. Nobody cares what happens to me. Nobody cares...no matter what.

The worst part is how much I still believe it. This is such a core belief.

It is seared to my soul.

I don't know what it is going to take to undo it. I don't know if it is possible to erase it. My logical mind knows that people now care about me. But, this was ingrained into my very being. My gut, my heart, my soul are taking a lot longer to reprogram the message.

I'm doing my best to comfort parts right now. But many of them are just about inconsolable. The anguish is huge. If I don't get around to some blogs for a while, please forgive me. I am just in the depths of grief right now.

Freedom to Heal!

2009-07-13T22:04:00.003-06:00

Friday Update: The carnival edition is up! Check out all the great links. The format is really cool! Mile 191 has done a great job hosting. And leave comments of support at the participating blogs, won't you? Thanks!

The theme for the July Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is "Freedom to Heal." I'm excited to announce that Mile 191 at Come Into My Closet will be hosting this Friday, July 17. About this carnival edition, Mile 191 says, "I have come to realize that healing is a choice. We have the freedom to move into a better future and to not give even one more moment of our lives to our abusers. We are free from them and have power over our past as we realize that healing is freedom....possible, available....healing is worth fighting for."

Wow, Mile 191, I couldn't have said it better myself. Now I just know you are going to be a GREAT host! Hurry, folks! The deadline for Friday's carnival is Wednesday, July 15. You can use the Blog Carnival submission form here.

Helping Your Inner Child Help You

2009-07-09T19:45:00.001-06:00

Alice Miller in, Pictures of Childhood, refers to the "child within me." John Bradshaw, in Healing The Shame That Binds You, talks about "liberating your lost inner child."

There are entire books dedicated to "the inner child." One author, Lucia Capacchione, talks about becoming more creative, intuitive and playful by getting in touch with him/her in Recovery of Your Inner Child. This book's got great inner child exercises that are easy to do and I highly recommend it.

Even medical doctors are hopping on the "inner child" band wagon. Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. has written Healing the Child Within for adult children of dysfunctional families. Many of these books are listed at my Survivors Can Thrive! dot com site's Resources section, "Books for Survivors," with direct links to Amazon dot com.

But who is this inner child and why would we--as abuse and assault survivors--want to get to know him or her? I get asked this question a lot. I've also been asked to write about this topic for a guest post that will appear soon over at Michele's blo g about healing PTSD.

Actually, this is one of my favorite "healing and therapy" topics. I love talking about my inner child!

But, this topic wasn't always so rosy for me. One of my earlier therapists back in Illinois asked me to pull out a photograph of myself as a baby. As soon as I got on my reading glasses and really looked into my tiny little face in this photo, I began to sob. Immediately, I realized that my vulnerable, precious, innocent child self was holding immense pain.

In those early days of therapy, I did not want to look at my inner child. Her pain just scared me too much. I thought that I would get lost in it; it would swallow me whole.

I can definitely relate to the idea of the inner child as the "exile" in the book, The Mosaic Mind,
as well as in the Internal Family Systems model of therapy developed by Richard Schwartz PhD. For me, my wounded inner child was long ago exiled to a land far away so that I could get things done, get good grades, be successful, appear reliable and dependable...and not look like I was "crazy" or a "loser."

I have "firefighter" parts (another IFS term) who have gone to great, dysfunctional lengths to keep these fearful, sad, lonely, abandoned exile parts quiet. I've run away in dissociative fugues, I've drank myself into a stupor, I've had sex with questionable partners, I've binged on chocolate and I've spent too much money.

But, the exiled, dissociated, cut-off inner child won't stay quiet forever. She's got a message to deliver, a debt that needs to be paid.

At first, I had no idea what it was she was trying to tell me. I was so cut off from my feelings (and my own body) that I could not listen to them, nor honor them. When I went down to the Colin Ross trauma unit in Dallas a few years ago, I was shocked and dismayed to be given a handout of "feeling words" that contained columns of emotion descriptions that I didn't even know were feelings! Now, I'm a writer and I consider myself to have a pretty strong vocabulary, but I just stared at these words at first; they meant nothing to me on any personal level.

But, the folks at the Ross program have their ways. They gave us patients hand-outs with exercises to complete as homework. And, boy, did these get the feelings going! In fact, I had to work with my assigned therapist there to come up with ways that I could pace myself, instead of being completely flooded with the new-found feelings.

If there's anything I've found that helps get in touch with that sometimes-illusive inner child it is FEEL THE FEELINGS! I recommend that you work with a qualified, experienced therapist in order to succeed at this without re-traumatizing yourself.

But, what I really want to talk about here is how to comfort your inner child. If you're like me and you never had any healthy bonding or attachment with your biological mother, there may be some real re-parenting that needs to happen to help your healing.

Some comforting strategies that I've found helpful are easy to do, quite generic and would probably work for most people. I've got an antique rocking chair that I drug out from the basement and positioned prominently in a cozy little reading nook I have in my home. I have an amazingly soft throw blanket that's stationed on the back of the rocker for soothing and warmth. Simply wrapping myself in the soft throw and rocking away works wonders some days. In the summertime, I find the same joy and sweet soothing on my porch swing.

Most folks I've consulted talk about "stuffies," stuffed animals that they find helpful. Now, I find that I'm a little shy about walking around dragging a beloved, raggedy stuffy with me. And most of the stuffed animals I've bought for myself as an adult have ended up being "adopted" by my own son. But, what I have done is reclaimed some of these cushy animals and I've recently given them an honored spot in a beautiful, old baby buggy I found at an antique doll shop. For everyday snuggling and comfort, I keep a small, spotted cat in my bedside drawer. After my husband awakes and exits the bed (he's an early riser), I'll get out my kitty and snuggle with it on days that I feel my inner children need some comfort. This is especially helpful if I've had a night that consisted of any flashbacks, night fears or nightmares.

If you spend some time thinking about how attached many kids get to their beloved stuffed animals, it can give you some hints for other ways of comforting your inner child. Just think of anything that you always wanted as a child. What were some of the things you asked Santa to bring you for Christmas? Remember how the adults in the movie, The Santa Clause, always wanted a "Dream Date" game and an Oscar Mayer wiener whistle?

Now, you don't have to wait for Santa. Go out and get yourself something kid-like that you always dreamed of when you were little. For me, it was a dollhouse. This was something I always wanted and never got when I was little. So, guess what I did? I went to the craft store and purchased an easy-assembly doll house kit and put it together and painted it. Over the past two years, I've been having a ball buying little miniature furniture pieces, potted plants, kitchen items and tiny porcelain dolls for my inner child's doll house. It's a splurge, but it's fun and my inner child is worth it and she deserves it!

Little inner child comforts, treats and pamperings don't have to cost a fortune. They can be easy to come by, but full of rewards. How 'bout getting some colorful sprinkles on that sundae the next time you treat yourself at the ice cream parlor? Why not read yourself a bedtime story while you sit in that rocking chair? Remember the lullaby songs you sang to your child when he or she was an infant? Singing them to your own inner child can be amazingly soothing when your feelings get hurt or you feel wounded or scared in some other way.

Why not buy your inner child some coloring books and some crayons? If you feel embarrassed in the check-out lane, you can always say you're buying these child-like items for a baby shower, child or grandchild. Heck, most people won't even ask, so there's no need to tell. Some friends and neighbors have given me a few curious looks about my doll house, but I just explain that it's a hobby, a creative outlet and--with some trusted others--a gift to my inner child. I've always gotten a smile and a knowing nod or look at the latter explanation.

Comfort food is a whole other category. Why do you think they call it comfort food any way? Maybe because it comforts your inner child! While I love a home-cooked meal of fried chicken and mashed potatoes, I have to be careful with comfort food, because I can have a tendency to binge and to gain too much weight. But, I've found that the simplest little things can qualify as comforting in the food category. Remember those sprinkles I spoke of earlier? I bought myself a little jar of them off the shelf in the baking goods aisle of the grocery store and I give myself a shake of them on a little dip of ice cream now and then. I also like whipped cream for a little treat that tells my inner child, "you're special, you're adorable and I love you." Try a little on your coffee in the morning for a quick, inner child pick-me-up. For a totally low fat comforter, hot herbal tea does wonders.

Some fragrances are "tasty" and comforting, but aren't taken internally at all. No calories there! I especially like honey vanilla lip balm (you can find these at health food stores) and hand lotion with the fragrance of cherry blossoms.

Every person I've ever met with DID (previously MPD) talks about their "littles," or little child parts or alters. I especially like Buffalopine's idea of carrying a small toy in her pocket to soothe her littles. In this blog post, she talks about carrying a Stuart Little key chain with her for an entire year. What inner child wouldn't like a little mouse friend to keep him company?

Speaking of Stuart Little, I've talked to lots of folks who, like myself, really enjoy the inner child treat of watching children's movies. If you're too shy to walk into a children's, G-rated movie without a kid in tow, you can always rent one to watch in the privacy of your own home.

I'm smiling right now just thinking of all these comforting, fun, playful ideas for my inner child recovery program. I can't wait to get off the computer and put some of these ideas into action for my own inner child right away. What would you like to do today to comfort and please your inner child? Don't wait! Get up and do some little thing for your little self right now. And leave me a comment with your favorite inner child comforts, play-date ideas and treats and we'll compile and even bigger list!

Zig-Zag

2009-06-25T19:44:00.002-06:00

My husband re-installed Firefox for me. Yay! Internet Explorer was "working" but kept telling me that it couldn't connect me to various websites and blogs and giving me error messages and shutting down. So, I didn't make it to all the blog carnival posts yet, sorry.

So, now I'm back online just in time to be going out of town. Pooey! I'll be back right after the 4th. I keep thinking of you all, even when I don't have much of a presence online. I'll be back soon and will try to actually write a post of some substance as soon as I can. Stay cool, bloggy buddies!

Silver Anniversary Blog Carnival

2009-06-19T09:10:00.002-06:00

Can you believe it? It's our Silver Anniversary--25th Edition--of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Thanks to all of you who have submitted posts, read, left comments, hosted and supported this awareness-raising blog carnival for 25 editions. Survivors and Survivor Supporters rock!

The June carnival edition is up right now over at Cornnut's blog, Picture of Experience. We have a lot of new participants this month and we got seven entries for the theme of Fathers, Father's Day and Parents.

Please link on over and visit the carnival, read the posts and leave comments where you're able. Also, if you could link to the carnival from your blog or Tweet, etc. about it, that would be great. Your support is always appreciated greatly!

Update on the Fly

2009-06-14T08:34:00.002-06:00

I've been having probs with my computer again. I haven't been able to get online for a few days. My husband actually got me here today, so I thought I'd put up a quick update before I can't get on again.

The Blogging for a Cause charity for the isurvive survivor forum I spoke of in the post below actually won them their funding. So, they got their money. Hooray! The power of survivors and the Internet comes through!

Don't forget to get your posts ready and make your submissions for the June edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. We'll be talking this month about fathers and parents. The deadline is Wednesday for a Friday (June 19) edition over at Cornnut's blog, Picture of Experience. She'll be a great host, I just know it! You can use this submission form here.

Abuse Survivors Learning to Thrive

2009-06-05T10:04:00.005-06:00

No, the headline for this post is NOT one of my slogans for my blog and website, Survivors Can Thrive! But, I sure do love it because it is such a great fit for the message I aspire to in my real life and the awareness-raising blog world in which I circulate.

This is actually a slogan and subhead you will find on the home page of a message board and forum for survivors called isurvive. This forum currently has 829 registered members who have created over 88 thousand posts.

The topics in these posts are excellent and pertinent for survivors and their supporters: artwork and poetry; breaking the cycle; male survivors; sexual abuse; ritual abuse; dependence and much more. The forum is, of course, moderated and has a good safety policy. It looks like a very safe and supportive place.

Before I really got into blogging, the first thing I was involved in was posting on a couple of online forums very similar to isurvive. In fact, this was the first "forum" (pun intended) where I really felt like I could share my feelings and write from the heart, before I got the courage to do it here at my own blog. I found a lot of support and a true feeling that I am not alone--even on a truly international scale.

Because I am so involved in blogging, The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, Twitter and The Child Abuse ning network (see my sidebar for widgets and links to these), I no longer visit the survivor message boards. The volume there is difficult for me to keep up with at this time. Whew, I can barely keep up with Twitter and all its updates are limited to 140 characters!

But, I really want to encourage you to look into isurvive. Right now, they provide a wonderful service and they are struggling financially. I'm blogging about them today as a way to help them raise much-needed funds. A commenter at my blog--My Monster--turned me on to this cause through this post.

I also heard about it from Faith Allen at Blooming Lotus. I follow Faith through the sources I'm involved in that I mentioned above. In this post here, Faith says, "Over the last six years, I have met, supported, and by supported by hundreds, if not thousands, of child abuse survivors at Isurvive. My life is so much richer for having been touched by these very giving people – all people who were once wounded beyond imagination and now have the courage to reach out and help heal others."

Faith also asks that we include the following information: Note to readers — If Isurvive has touched your life, please consider writing about Isurvive on your own blog. If Isurvive gets enough blog entries, the charity could receive a cash award to help further its efforts.

This blog post is part of Zemanta’s “Blogging For a Cause” campaign to raise awareness and funds for worthy causes that bloggers care about.

If you'd like to get involved, please hurry! Tomorrow--June 6th--is the last day for this Blogging for a Cause campaign. Let's help a forum that helps survivors, shall we? I'm glad I did!